A Duck for All Seasons: Fantasy Life 2017
How’s it going?
What? Where have I been? Oh, around. Keeping busy.
It’s been a while, I know. I’ve been in hiding for a while, partially because my little Monday Night rambling fest with my favorite zip-coded friend has gone the way of the dodo, and partially because, well, I’ll be honest, I wasn’t too happy with the results of a certain election and I fear the country has made a terrible mistake and…you know what? I’m going to stop on this topic. Since DFS players are all about results, I’ll let the results do the talking. If in a year we’re back to being a shiny, gold-plated city upon a hill, then great. I doubt it, but, hey, let’s find out.
But since DFS players are all about results, maybe it’s time for them to create statistics to judge their lives. Oh, you thought the title of this article had to do with Matthew Berry? Nah. If you want to judge his life, then go ahead, be my guest, but that’s another site. You can find him there, all over the place. Like, ALL over the place. But good for him.
Wait, I’m going off-subject. So, what am I talking about? Since the recent results of about seven weeks ago (has it only been seven weeks? Feels like a decade), one of the things that has come up has been ways for individuals to make life better. You know, since we’re not going to have anyone caring nationally (sorry, doing it again). I guess what I am saying is that it’s up to us to be good and find a way to not only be good to ourselves, but to others, as well. And since DFS players need to have bottom-line results to quantify this goodness, I’m going to take a crack at developing a scoring system for this kind of goodness. You can use these numbers to improve your life. You can set up a league and compete against each other and brag that you are the purest of all of your friends, if you want. If you want to put your numbers in the comments section for a week, a month, whatever, I welcome your responses.
However, I am used to how comments work on RG, and if I’m not writing, “this is who you should play”, or “here’s a way for you to make money or not lose it”, I know things are going to be quiet. Yes, I know I’m being passive-aggressive, and that’s something I should be working on. Maybe it’s because of the time I saw a “Bring Back Night Sweats” post on the forum and the only comment was “What happened to Joe Ingram?” (don’t worry, Joey and his array of tank tops are fine) that I’m a little raw, but personal progress is always slow.
Anyhow, here are the early workings of a DFS Life Scoring System, that you are free to use as-is, or alter to work best for you. Hope you score as many points as you can.
1. If you lied about your scoring for the day in any way, you automatically are disqualified and get a -10. That’s kind of a big mistake, kind of like being on a diet and conveniently forgetting that you went through a threat-level-plaid-Arby’s-shame-spiral just hours earlier.
2. Did you get out of bed today? +1 for yes, -1 for no, a pass if you are in traction and don’t have a choice. Sometimes, you need to give yourself an easy one. I will also allow a +1 for going outside, especially if you live somewhere that is not -9 degrees at the moment.
3. For every calorie under 3000 you ate today, you get .01 point. For every calorie over, -.01. Keep in mind, though, you should eat something. Don’t starve yourself for points, so let’s cap the positive points at 10 points. If you dove into the chocolate fountain at Golden Corral, you might as well just go for a big minus and move on.
4. Did I get through the day keeping my underwear clean? I’m sensing for many people in the DFS community, this is not a guarantee. +2/-2.
5. For every mean Tweet, Facebook post or comment on an article, let’s go with -.5. By writing this article, I probably deserve a -3, so I’ve got some work to do.
6. Did I watch anything with “Kardashian”, “The Real”, or “Honey Boo-Boo” in the title? -.1 per minute, rounded up. I didn’t put “Maury” on here, but I probably should. Damn it, if it keeps me from hearing “You are NOT the father”, that’s probably a good thing.
7. Charity is always a plus. +.25 per dollar, capped at 10 points, only because you can’t just buy your way out of dickishness just to make yourself feel better. Well, you can, but this is just to support being more well-rounded. Adopting a pet is 10 points. Adopting a child is 100 points. Adopting a pet or child and using them only for labor is -1000 points and you’re not coming back from that one.
8. Reading an actual book is +.05 for page. Listening to an audio book is .0001 per minute, and I’m only doing that to piss off Dean. Reading is fundamental, unless you are reading “The Art of the Deal”. Sorry. I’ll score myself accordingly.
9. Any felony is disqualification. Pro tip: don’t commit felonies. Misdemeanors for violent acts, DWIs and anything that just makes you awful also get that a DQ. Jaywalking and parking violations get you a -1, just because you’ve already been punished and they are relatively victimless, but you should get something for screwing up. Public nudity is correlative to how attractive your body is. Punish yourself accordingly (with points. Don’t punish yourself while you are publicly nude).
10. Say something nice to someone, +.25. The score is kept low so it promotes volume.
11. Vandalizing a building and then claiming that you are Banksy is -6. This is not for everyone, but for those of you who deserve this, you know who you are.
12. Getting a tattoo with a misspelled word is -5. Should be worse, but you’ve already punished yourself.
13. Not showing up to your own wedding, -25.
14. Using the same GIF for the 100th time, -.1 for every use after 100. Using a GIF that gives someone a seizure, -10.
15. Taking pictures of your food and posting it on social media, -.5. It’s time to move on, people.
I welcome any additional scoring suggestions, and let’s all try to bring some happiness following a relatively lousy 2016.
Peace, my brothers and sisters.