A Script for Chat Guys

Four guys are sitting in a coffee bar, discussing the results of last night’s contests.

Monkman – Who do you guys like tonight?

Cigar Czar – I don’t know. I’m waiting to look at the page with the lines, but that guy keeps turning past it.

33 – Lines don’t matter

Cigar – Of course they do. What do you think matters more than lines?

Monkman – Weather matters more than lines

33 – Weather doesn’t matter

FakePrince – I don’t care what matters, as long as I win. I need money fast. Mrs Fakeprince keeps spending it faster than I can make it.

Cigar – ok well this guy here is in a good spot and has helped win money seven times in the last nine days – who is he?

Monkman – it is Jones?

33 – Jones don’t matter

Cigar – NO

FakePrince – is it patel?

33 – Patel don’t matter

Cigar – NO, its not Patel, you guys stink at this game. It’s…

A loud crash is heard outside the coffee bar. Stoov bursts in the door and straight over to the table.

Stoov – Guys, guys, come quick, the supercomputer is taking over the world. It is clearly cheating us all and nobody is doing anything about it.

Three of the four men leave the coffee bar. 33 stays behind. Supercomputers, he says, shaking his head. That’s all that matters.

The intersection outside the coffee shop is quickly becoming chaotic. The traffic lights in all directions are green and there is a multiple car pileup in the middle of the intersection. There is a man who lives at the house on the corner shooing kids off his lawn.

Another man is riding a scooter towards the intersection. He is dressed like a policeman but carrying only a whistle.

Snort emerges from his car and starts pointing at yethasates – He was trying to drive multiple cars at the same time, and before his light turned green, he barreled through the intersection and hit me right in the side.

Yeth – it is possible that could be true, but I also see the other side where it might be false. I have 76 pages of data that I have compiled that also shows that one of my cars might have possibly made it through the intersection.

SC Funnies – How do you know his light didn’t turn green? You should have just been a better driver.

Snort – I’m a great driver. I drove 4k miles a few months ok.

Elk – Tweet

DRab – His light had to be red. Mine was green and he just rammed the side of my car just as I was going to the gym for leg day.

Elk – Tweet

SC Funnies – Just because your opinion is that his light was red, doesn’t mean that his light was red.

A police car quickly approaches the chaos. TTR and Esteban emerge and quickly survey the scene.

TTR – Move along please, nothing to see here.

Yessam was selling watches from a jacket pocket on the corner of the crash. He was an eyewitness to the entire thing.

Yessam – Nothing to see, there is a seven-car pileup. How could there possibly be nothing to see?

TTR – You don’t know that for sure…please move along

Esteban – Please disperse. Anybody talking about the so-called “accident” will be canned immediately.

Yessam – but there is a huge crash, and it looks like the supercomputer caused it by turning both lights green.

TTR – we have no proof of this super computer

Yethasates – I was driving up to the intersection and my light appears to have turned green at the same time as theirs. Although it may not have, and I am fine with it if it did or didn’t.

Yessam – They both clearly were green at the same time. I saw it with my own eyes.

Esteban – that’s it sir you are coming with me

Esteban points a giant gun shaped like a can at yessam and he deteriorates into thin air.

TTR – Elk, blow that whistle, get these people in line

Monkman – we better move along, I don’t want to get canned

The trio, now joined by 33, turn the corner and head up the street to the basketball court. Four guys are playing a two-on-two pickup game. Tarantula is shooting free throws. Over in the corner of the court, a shady character dressed in black with a mustache that looks fake stares out through a hoodie and a pair of sunglasses. The mysterious mustachioed man summons the quartet over with a wave.

Monkman – who is that guy?

33 – that’s clive

Monkman – who is clive?

33 – Don’t say his name too loud.

Clive (whispering) – 33, long time… You guys better turn around and head back where you came from. The data sheets show that walking in that direction (points back to the scene of the crime) is clearly your best option.

Cigar Czar – but we are walking away from that intersection.

Clive – that’s a mistake…your best chance to survive is by walking back in that direction.

Monkman – but a guy just got canned in that direction

SC Funnies – it was his own fault…

Clive – Lee Corso appeared to me in a dream with 2 gigs of data. It is never wrong. Walk back in that direction.

SC Funnies – guys everything will be fine if we just walk faster

The group departs back across the basketball court. A police cruiser pulls up on the other side of the court and Clive disintegrates into a can.

Tarantula is grimacing in pain and holding his back.

Tarantula – I think I may have overdone it. That third free throw seems to have been too much.

SC Funnies – You shouldn’t have been shooting free throws. Its your own fault.

Heeding Clive’s advice, the men start walking back to the intersection, which is now amazingly barren. Elk scoots by them and nods hello as if everything is fine.

20 yards from the intersection, a hobo emerges from the basement of his mother’s home. He had been watching the entire thing this whole time.

Hobo – Hey 33, you and your boys going to get a Gobbler?

33 – No, we’re not

Monkman – 33, who is that

33 – That’s hopcash98

Cigar Czar – Whoa, I thought he was canned

Hobo (hopcash) – Guys, come in here with me to my mom’s basement

33 – No thanks, hopcash

Hobo – 33, you sure you don’t want to come in here.

Hopcash opens the door. A blinding blue light creeps out the crack of the door.

Monkman – whoa, what is that

Hopcash looks around. That’s the supercomputer. Now get in here before we all get canned.

A shot rings out and Cigar Czar drops to the ground. The men turn to the other side of the street, where HeartStopper is perched above the rowhomes with a sniper’s rifle.

Hopcash – quick get in now before it’s too late.

To Be Continued

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