Last Night. This Morning. Oh... And My U.S. Open Picks

Yesterday was a day like most other days as I entered 3 double ups and a GPP. I’m fairly new to the daily fantasy life and as such, i still play in some beginner’s tournaments and I still suck at them for the most part. Some may say I’m a pessimist, I call myself a realist. I’m here like the rest of you. I want to try and make a living playing daily fantasy sports. That’s quite a fantasy for someone who barely cashes. So yesterday, like all other day’s, I load up on some guys, Blue Jays, and not the good ones either. The Lawrie’s and “Francisco’s of this world. Juan Francisco is garbage by the way and he will be back on the trash heap by the end of the year. I hate him… a lot, yet I draft him like the bum I am. One day I will learn to be as good as Notorious, whom I loathe by the way, and I will beat him every night of the week. But for now, I learn from him. If anyone didn’t know this already, I’m way better looking than Notorious in real life. He looks more like my avatar of Freddy Krueger but with less burns.

So back to last night and my team. It all started off so well with Brian Dozier hitting a dinger in the 1st inning. Things were looking up. I was on top of the world. I admit it, I got cocky like I always do and that’s when it usually starts to unravel. The fantasy gods looked down on me and just shook their heads, wondering when would I lever learn. The answer…. never. My night would only go downhill from there. As my guys continuously struck out or gave up home runs to backup catchers who were up because of injury, I almost stopped watching my stat tracker completely. This means I only checked for updates once every 2.5 minutes. I flipped on the basketball game, hoped my girlfriend wouldn’t come over so I could watch the basketball game and my stat tracker in silence, then even went over to my friends house down the street and did a couple of lines of cocaine before coming back to watch the end of the basketball game. By this time, I was in the bottom 10 percent of every contest I had entered and had completely lost faith in any chance of cashing. So I did what every sane daily fantasy player would do, I started researching my U.S. Open Golf picks, until I was rudely interrupted by girlfriend who wanted to cuddle and chat. I pretended to be interested and inserted some fake laughs, bum rub and even a shouldere carress here and there and soon enough she was out like a light. Score!

I was still wide awake from my illegal activities from earlier in the night and I was dead set on creating a lineup that would really piss me off when they imploded on the 1st hole of Pinehurst #2. So here you have my top 5 selections for the U.S. Open.

1) Steve Stricker – I have nothing bad to say about Steve Stricker. He’s a likeable workhorse that plays well in the U.S. Open amongst other big tournaments. He doesn’t play many tournaments these days and for this reason he’s an affordable player. He’s a value guy. If he misses the cut, I won’t be mad when it comes to him. He’s the golfer’s golfer. It’s hard to dislike him, unlike Notorious, whom I loathe!

2) Jim Furyk – He’s not a top tier guy like Scott or Rory price wise, but to me, when I think of him, I think U.S. Open. He’s won once and been a runner up twice. After all these years, he’s still playing top quality golf. The one thing I don’t like about him is when he takes off his hat. He’s got a weird bald head. It needs to be more round. If he had a rounder head I might like him more, but for now, he’s okay to look at with his hat on. If he misses the cut, I may curse him through my stat tracker, but for the most part I’ll just say, what can you do. It’s hard to get mad at Furyk.

3) Webb Simpson – Here’s a guy who’s made the cut all 3 times he’s played the U.S. Open, including winning this thing a couple of years back. He’s been pretty consistent all year and I’m banking on him being a U.S. Open kinda guy. He’s also really good looking and has no personality. Not better looking than me of course. I’ll curse his name to no end if he screws up because I have a feeling I’ll be the only guy to take him. Screw you Webb Simpson and your pretty handsome face. I hope you get disfigured with acid. Let’s see your personality win you friends then, chump.

4) Sergio Garcia – I can’t believe I’m taking Sergio. He always screws me and in the worst ways too. He makes it look like he’s playing well then when you get cocky and are like ‘Yeah, Sergio’s finally gonna do it. He’s got his putting under control.’Boom! 6 putts from 10 feet. However, I have a Sergio hunch. He’s playing really well, and besides a couple of missed cuts many years ago, he really likes the U.S. Open and he’s played well at Pinehurst before. When he has his 7 bogeys in a row string, I will literally lift the TV off my wall and hurl it through my window. Meanwhile, Sergio will give a look like he doesn’t care and go off to watch the World Cup with his lady groupies while he sips on mojitos. Screw you Sergio.

5) Jimmy Walker – I don’t think there’s been a more consistent golfer this year than Jimmy Walker. He was no one before last year, not even his relaties would admit to being related to him. But sometimes, guys play hot golf for a few years, then disappear back into obscurity again. I think this will happen to this Jimmy walker, just like it happened to the other Jimmie Walker. Dynomite! So I’m riding the consistent guy here. He’s played in a couple of U.S. Open’s before, making the cut in 1 and has played big in the Master’s and at Sawgrass this year. When you’re hot you’re hot and I’m sticking with him as good value without the big name cache of others. I know he’ll decide to play poorly, now that I’ve taken him. and when he does, I will look at myself in the mirror in disgust. I will question my own manhood and I will fail to heed the call right before I punch the mirror and fall to the ground crying like the pathetic baby I am.

So those are my picks and after I did all my research for them, I fell asleep on the couch with my hand down my pants and a bag of chips by my side. It was quite the site for my girlfriend when she woke up and came downstairs this morning. She was really impressed. Anyway, before I got in the shower I received an email that I actually won the beginner’s 50/50 contest. I have no idea how, but I was thrilled and called my fellow losing contestants losers because that’s what they were and currently are. You hear that Notorious? I’m gunning for you. Then I showered and went to the office and wrote this piece of garbage on the companies dime. Idiots.

Good luck at the U.S. Open and if you use any of my picks, I’m sorry…kinda…not really….asshole.


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  • KidTycoon

    Gordmania – you’ve just written one of the most superficial and least statistical articles i’ve read on RG to date, and I thank you for it! I’ve given you a thumbs up partially for your boldness in calling out the oddity that is Furyk’s head, but mostly becuase we’ve both listed Sergio as our “hunch”. Thank god my TV is a plasma piece of shite, becuase it might just be going out my 1 story window this Sunday.

  • gordmania

    Superficial, like I’m better looking than you, or Superficial because I didn’t dive deep into the numbers? Please specify so I will intentionally not fix for my next blog post. Oh wait, here’s a statistic for you, we will both be crying on Sunday over Sergio. That’s a 100% crying rate between the two of us. We’re gonna need an extra large pillow while we sleep to soak up our tears.

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