Fantasy Grout, Week 13 – Christmas List
My mom makes it clear: Christmas Lists are due by Thanksgiving. That way, everyone has ample time to shop for everyone else.
The last couple weeks, I’ve tried to make mental notes any time an idea popped up for my Christmas List, but I’ve noticed a strange phenomenon. As an adult, if I want something, I buy it, so the things I “want for Christmas” tend to be a bit outside of the box. Well, Thanksgiving is on the horizon, my mom’s deadline is non-negotiable, and I’ve got no other ideas. Those “outside of the box” items are going on the list, to go inside a box, with wrapping paper and a bow. My mom’s a loyal Grout reader, so I’ll just post the list here for her:
My Christmas List:
For Fall and Winter to reach a treaty where the month of November is under a Snow Ceasefire
To open a two pack of Starbursts without one yellow in it, one time
For the snake skin I found in my back yard this fall to be from a traveler and not a resident
For the Wisconsin Badgers to get Green & Gold alternate jerseys
For my son to wake up potty trained, no questions asked
For anyone that uses the word “literally,” meaning “figuratively,” to be literally tased
Fingernails that don’t grow
Automobile Autopilot
For the cast of Are You The One to go two more weeks without figuring out these are their remaining seven matches: Brandon & Briana, Alex & Jasmine, Nate & Ellie, Layton & Tyler, Dario & Ashley, Garland & Jess, and Anthony & Alex, just for entertainment value
For DraftKings
Consistent pricing, at least for two weeks in a row
A CSV exporting the info from your live tourneys tab, for Late Swap purposes
My own sock puppet
New Commercials, please
Lastly, for all my Fantasy Grout picks to be over 4 PT/$K, from here on out!
Quarterbacks
At least at quarterback, Christmas came early. I asked for consistent pricing, two weeks in a row, and that’s exactly what we have. Last week, 16 of 30 signal callers were Grout-priced ($6,500 or less). This week, with all 32 QBs available, 17 are at our grimy disposal. The great part of DK getting us something off our list is not having to play hide-your-disappointment-while-hungover, muttering “I’ve always wanted a tie dyed tie.”
Philip Rivers at BAL, $6,000: Rivers was $600 more expensive last week, and he put up a lukewarm 2.203 PT/$K. He draws his second straight cushy match-up, this one with the Ravens. With Lardarius Webb picked on regularly and Jimmy Smith out, their start-of-the-year cornerback duo could now make a buddy cop movie entitled “Ineffective & IRed.”
Also, despite his recent struggles, he is still a Top 8 QB in terms of yards per attempt and is 10th in completions on the year. Most importantly, those injured ribs are one week more healthy, which hopefully allows him to go down the field easier. Lastly, from an aesthetics standpoint, after a great run with the Quarterback Formally Known As The NeckBeard, it’s comforting to transition seamlessly to The Bolo Tie.
Left in the Bucket
Drew Stanton at ATL, $5,000: I think best hope for the Falcon defense is for opposing QBs & RBs to get into an argument about whether it’s easier to pass or run on Atlanta, and then, the play clock runs out.
Running Backs
This week marks the second in a row where 14 starting running backs are priced > $5,500. In fact, 12 of the 14 are the same, with just Le’Veon Bell and Rashad Jennings replacing Gio Bernard and Jonas Gray. Again, DraftKings getting us just what we want. Now, about that Sock Puppet…
Tre Mason v OAK, $4,600: I dare you to complain about his usage. I double dog dare you. I triple dog dare you! Setting aside my poor dare etiquette, skipping the “triple dare,” in two consecutive games where the Rams were more than a touchdown underdog, Mason got 23.5 touches per game, which is remarkable. The only thing keeping him priced low is his lack of scores. Considering only two teams this year have allowed more touchdowns to running backs than Oakland, I expect that situation to rectify itself. Plus, who works better in the Fantasy Grout than a Mason.
Alfred Morris at IND, $5,500: My son loves this book called “The Poky Little Puppy.” The synopsis is that these five dogs dig under the fence and go frolic, three days in a row. The first two days, when the first four come back, they are denied dessert for digging out, while the Poky Little Puppy comes back late enough that everyone is asleep, and he eats the dessert. The third day, the same thing happens, with the four dogs getting denied dessert. This time though, they go and fill-in under the fence and are ultimately rewarded with dessert, while the Poky Little Puppy shows up late and the dessert is gone.
I think the moral of the story is supposed to be that if you are naughty, eventually there will be consequences. I take it to be that if you just take what you can get, when you can get it, two out of three times, you’ll benefit. Alfred Morris’s price won’t be this low for long. I’m betting this is one of the two weeks that you get fantasy dessert for paying it.
Pierre Thomas at PIT, $4,000: With Cooks on the IR, the position of short, middle-of-the-field receiver is open for New Orleans. Being the 2013 NFL leader in running back receptions, I bet the Saints move Thomas’s résumé to the top of the pile. Although, if I was Thomas, I’d change my name on that résumé to “Peter”, as no team wants someone who surrenders at first sign of adversity.
Against Pittsburgh, if Thomas has 12 receptions, locking up 3PT/$K without a single yard or touchdown, how shocked will you be on a scale of Mike & Mike made a joke about Golic being fat and Greeny being nerdy to Cowherd actually let a caller finish their thought? For me, I’d be surprised, but not shocked, so maybe LeBatard actually sided with a coach over a player.
Left in the Bucket
Shane Vereen at GB, $5,400: Speaking of running backs catching the ball…
Lamar Miller at NYJ, $4,500: Because the Dolphins other option is to give it to Daniel Thomas
Jonathan Stewart a MIN, $3,400: He should be prevalent in DFS, if for nothing else, for the “Daily Show” nickname
Wide Receivers
The number of available Grout-worthy wide receivers is slowly creeping down, which follows perfectly to the trend of passing touchdowns rising. Of the 32 teams, only nine have a WR1 at $5,000 or below, which is the same number of teams who have two receivers priced greater than $5,000. No matter though, wide receiver has been a Grout strong point lately. Let’s get grimy.
Charles Johnson v CAR, $4,000: At 6’ 2”, 215 lbs, and with 4.38 speed, Johnson is the wide receiver prototype. Allowing the second most touchdowns to wide receivers, Carolina is a dream match-up. Playing nearly every offensive snap for the Vikings last week and nearly doubling the targets of the next closest receiver, Johnson is getting the work to take advantage of the match-up. Why is he only $4,000? The opposite of a toll, call it the Bridgewater discount.
Justin Hunter at HOU, $4,000: Reeeee-lapse! I’m back on Hunter, like Bubbles from the Wire is on Heroin. There’s only so many dank match-ups you can pass up before you’ve got to get a hit of that sweet, sweet Hunter action. At least that’s what I’ll tell them in Justin Hunter rehab when I’m back next week.
Malcom Floyd at BAL, $4,000: I am sure the head of the Skittles division of Wrigley makes seven figures. I am also sure it was a lowly engineer who suggested replacing lime with green apple. That exec has never done anything that benefited Skittles even close to as much as what the engineer did, yet Skittles probably still considers the exec more important. If we can make 50 movies where two characters switch bodies or switch families or switch teams or switch faces, there is no reason those two shouldn’t switch salaries in real life. And for suggesting it, I should get ALL the green apple Skittles.
The same is true for the Floyd “Brothers”. Since the Michael / Malcom First Initial Challenge, the victor, Malcom, has been less heralded and better for your fantasy roster, save for a fluke two TD game by O. Floyd. In fact, Malcom has been a surprisingly consistent “4-for-.” This week, expect the other side of that “-“ to say a three digit number + “and a score.”
Left in the Bucket
John Brown at ATL, $4,500: That strategy, where opposing QBs & RBs to get into an argument about whether it’s easier to pass or run on Atlanta and have the play clock run out, probably won’t work.
Martavis Bryant v NO, $4,700: “Brown and Bryant”: better Buddy Cop movie title or air conditioner company?
Dwayne Bowe v DEN, $3,900: Just as Dimaggio’s did before it, Alex Smith’s epic no touchdowns to wide receivers streak must end. All streaks do.
Tight Ends
Adam Levitan shared this with the world on Twitter: Eagles No. 3 TE James Casey caught one pass for 14 yards with a TD Sunday. That makes him a top-8 tight end for Week 12.
Tight ends are worse than athlete’s foot.
Tight ends are worse than road construction.
Tight ends are worse than flat beer.
Tight ends are worse than static cling.
Tight ends are worse than pop quizzes.
Tight ends are worse than pop-up ads.
Tight ends are worse than speeding tickets.
Tight ends are worse than food poisoning.
Tight ends are worse than the third Major League movie.
Tight ends are the worst.
Jason Witten v PHI, $4,500: Obviously, if your surname doesn’t start with “G”, you’re no sure thing to do anything from the tight end position. With the fourth most targets per game among tight ends, over the last five weeks, Witten’s volume makes him less likely to suck than most other tight ends, which is as high of praise as The Grout offers tight ends. Wear it with pride, Jason.
Left in the Bucket
Brent Celek at DAL, $3,300: If you’re going to start a tight end who underperforms, you might as well start one in the best TE match-up, so as to maximize disappointment.
Grout for a Shout
The inaugural Grout for a Shout winner is monktified, who picked Charles Johnson last week for $3,500, probably assuming Greg Jennings wasn’t going to play. Even with Jennings active, Johnson started and racked up 16.2, for 4.629 PT/$K. Congrats, monktified. Jasonnm163 was the second legal entry, with James Jones, as DSTs (Seattle included) were not considered.
Remember to put your choice for top Fantasy Grout player in the comments section below to get your shoutout! No DSTs.
$6,500 or Less – QB / $5,500 or Less – RB / $5,000 or Less – WR / $4,500 or Less – TE