The Fantasy Grout - Week 11
1) Monday is a big day. Friday is a big day. Everyone knows the Grout of the week is Wednesday, which is where the Fantasy Grout belongs. It will return there next week and going forward.
2) All Dolphins and Bills have been omitted, thanks to the timing this week.
3) There will be a de facto mailbag next week, so please leave fantasy football, normal football or life questions in the comments or tweet them to me @GiantBallofOil. An example: “Why is it that the more naked Miley Cyrus gets, the less attractive she becomes?” The answer, of course, is “Billy Ray Cyrus’s mullet.”
4) The Bucket List has been better than Gang Grout recently, so you may want to go with the George Costanza school of thought. “If every play the Grout recommends is wrong, the opposite would have to be right.” Also, frog is wrong.
Now, on with the Fantasy Grout:
I try to do things with class.
I dress professionally, hardly ever curse, and try to treat every person with respect. Overall, I think I carry myself with dignity. No one is perfect, though, and occasionally, my television choices can get a little … trashy. (That is, when I’m not mainlining the Red Zone Channel, a.k.a. football heroine.)
I am referring, specifically, to an MTV program, Are You The One, currently in its second season. It is trash TV at its drunken pinnacle. I’m talking about random hook-ups galore, booze as the main course, side dish, and dessert of every meal, and the sort of bickering that only real people in fake situations on real television can provide. Do they have a room officially named The Boom Boom Room, fully equipped with night vision cameras? Yes. Yes, they do. Much the same way its eventual buyers described The Kramer, Are You The One is a “loathesome, offensive show, yet I can’t look away.”
All of that trashiness dresses up the main premise of the show: ten men and ten women, all living together, each with exactly one “perfect match” in the house. If all ten find their perfect match over ten episodes, they win One Meeeeeellllllion Dollars. (Total. Like $50,000 per person, or the amount of NFL action Condia enters if he sneezes toward his computer.)
It is essentially one gigantic logic puzzle, where the participants are woefully underqualified (and over-intoxicated) to figure it out. Right about the time I started into my seventh Excel tab, working through hypothetical scenarios contingent on previous hypothetical scenarios, I realized that it isn’t all that different from line-up construction. At its core, aren’t we just trying to find the perfect player to match up with each position?
In the final ceremony of each AYTO episode, the contestants pair up, one by one. Then, beams of light let them know now many “perfect matches” they have made, without indicating which ones they are. The same basic dynamic takes place as you flip Jordy Nelson into your flex, go over salary, sub Mark Ingram in for Eddie Lacy, go up at defense, down at tight end, and start again from the beginning. You’re looking to make the “perfect line-up,” and the more “perfect” players you slot in, the closer you are to One Meeeellllion Dollars, divided nicely, one way.
There is one place, though, where the show differs from line-up construction. Half way through the episode, one couple goes into the Truth Booth, where they are told if they are a perfect match or not. What wouldn’t I pay for a DFS Truth Booth?! If Team KillaB had dropped LeSean McCoy into the Truth Booth last week, I’d probably have a text message on my phone right now reading “What language do they speak in the Bahamas?”
And, what about a real life Truth Booth? That last piece of pizza that sat out all night? Step into the Truth Booth to see if it and you are a perfect match: No Match. Its “perfect match” is probably salmonella. If you’re debating between being productive and napping? Step in with your pillow, and what do you know: Perfect Match. Siesta time.
Absent a Truth Booth, finding those cheap players to fit around your studs can be tough. You’ll have to use your intuition, some logic, and the list of the following players. They, the Fantasy Grout.
Editor’s Note: Freeroll alert! We interrupt this regularly scheduled column to make sure that you don’t miss your chance to win a $100 ticket into the $300,000 Victiv Bowl. Just click through a RotoGrinders link when you create your Victiv account and you will see a freeroll in the lobby titled “RotoGrinders Victiv Bowl Freeroll” (If you’re already tracked to RotoGrinders you should already see the freeroll in your lobby.) The top 25 finishers in that freeroll this Sunday will win $100 tickets into the $300,000 Victiv Bowl. Sign up now before continuing down to the Fantasy Grout!.
Quarterbacks
If consistent quarterback pricing and DraftKings entered the Truth Booth together, the booth would reply by simply roaring with laughter. Consistently inconsistent, maybe. Last week, with less total QBs available, there were 11 Grout-worthy options and 15 priced over $6,500. This week, we’re sifting through 17! options cheap enough to qualify, which can be a serious decision. As Spiderman taught us, with great quantity, comes great responsibility.
Robert Griffin III v TB, $6,300 – While DraftKings has been maddeningly inconsistent, at least one thing has stayed the same over the last two weeks. If you’re the quarterback facing Tampa, you are going be priced $6,300. Last week, it wasn’t a winning formula, as Matt Ryan eked out just 2.486 PT/$K. The truth is that if Devin Hester was a wide receiver instead of a cornerback-turned-wide-receiver, Ryan would have booked another score. Fortunately, all of Bobby Three Sticks’, wide receivers are just that, receivers!
In his return to action in Week 9, Griffin went for 250 and a score in a sneaky tough match-up with the Vikes. Most importantly, seven times, he tucked it ran, which was the special sauce that made Griffin a Fantasy Big MacDaddy his rookie year. Now at home and off a bye, I expect that $6,300 to buy a Fantasy Extra Value Meal.
Left in the Bucket
Shaun Hill v DEN, $5,000 – Like Oscar the Grouch’s alarm clock, sometimes you have to rely on garbage time.
Running Backs
If you were a professional wrestler, how many made up hometowns would you have to consider before you came up with Truth-or-Consequences, New Mexico, the “home” of former wrestler Cactus Jack? For me, the number is infinity. This week, the number of running backs priced above $5,500 is just 10, so nearly all RBs reside in Grout-land, USA. The truth is that if we can’t find the best backs, the consequence is your bankroll taking a hit. Bang, Bang.
Alfred Blue at CLE, $3,000 – What makes a great running back name? Bam Morris and Iron Head Heyward are obviously running backs, with those names. You don’t even have to ask. Fast Willie Parker has several possible occupations, but running back is certainly one of them. Those are easy choices, but we here in the Grout are taking the road less traveled and recommending a back named after a sad butler.
As of this writing, Arian Foster was a game time decision. When it comes to groins, you can never be too careful, so we’re betting he sits. That opens the door for the Sad Butler to serve the Browns a spot of tea …dee and maybe even seconds.
Editor’s Note: Arian Foster (groin) has been ruled out for Week 11. Alfred Blue will start in his place.
Jeremy Hill at NO, $4,500 – The former LSU tiger is from Baton Rouge, so if you are a resident of #NarrativeStreet, this homecoming hits close to home for you. For me, I’m just fascinated that a LSU Tiger became a Bengal. A Tiger turned Tiger! Roar. The answer to your two questions are 1) No, the mascot at his high school, Redemptorist, is a wolf, not a tiger and 2) Yes, the Saints did give up 120 yards rushing and two touchdowns to 49er running backs last week.
Jerick McKinnon @ CHI, 4,800 – I’m betting that Matt Asiata doesn’t score three touchdowns versus the Bears, and as everyone knows, if Asiata scores one touchdown in a game, he scores three. That means he isn’t going to score a touchdown, deduced using airtight logic. That leaves only McKinnon to do the scoring for the Vikes. He’s averaged 15 totes and 3 receptions over the last four games, which should be good enough for 3 PT/$K, when you add in that non-Asiata TD. And yes, when the idea hit me to play McKinnon this week, I did yell “Jericka!”
Left in the Bucket
Jonathan Stewart v ATL, $3,400 – “If you’re not starting running backs against Atlanta, you are just going to lose.”
Terrance West v HOU, $4,400 – Speaking of Bang, Bang, how about a nice game of Browns running back roulette.
Ryan Mathews v OAK, $4,500 – I like to imagine he actually spells his last name ”Matthews”, but one “t” is just always injured.
Wide Receivers
The allure of the Truth Booth is that it gives you definitive answers. With DraftKings wide receiver pricing this week, I have nothing but questions. While we noted above that DK eased the pricing on quarterbacks significantly, and running backs slightly, wide receivers’ prices this week are tighter than that bolt on the top of a fire hydrant that never seems to leak.
Last week, we had fifteen different teams’ wide receivers priced over $5,000, with eight teams having a second receiver over the threshold. Twenty-three total. This week? THIRTY. Twenty teams have at least one receiver too expensive to mention in this space, and half of them, ten, have two receivers too pricy. But somehow …
Kelvin Benjamin v ATL, $4,900 – … is still hanging around the Fantasy Grout, like a guy too drunk to know it’s time to leave the bar. It is true that a lot of his production has been GTP the last couple weeks, but the targets have been there the whole game. Listen, there’s just not much to say here. If Kelvin Benjamin’s price was a Monopoly – Community Chest card, it would obviously be “Bank Error in your favor – Collect $20.”
Jordan Matthews at GB, $4,500 – I’m already on record saying that Mark Sanchez and Matthews are a thing. After some playful action as second stringers, the last two weeks they’ve been on serious dates out in public. Now, that they’re official, they can pour on the QB-WR PDA: Targets, Yards, and TDs, to the point that it makes you a little uncomfortable!
Also, as you can tell by the “tt”, Matthews is clearly healthy.
Taylor Gabriel v HOU, $3,300 – JJ Watt has made it abundantly clear how he feels about selfies. No, no, no {insert finger wag and tsk-tsk sound here}. If he were to take a selfie, in that picture would be a guy who plays on a defense, which gives up the fourth most passing yards per game and is tied for the sixth most passing touchdowns. Oh, and probably some kid with cancer, who just had his biggest wish fulfilled by getting to meet Watt.
But back to the defense, it’s bad, and Gabriel has 8-for-118 and a TD over the last two weeks, while being tied for the Browns’ lead in targets.
Left in the Bucket
Rueben Randle v SF, $4,500
— ODB (played by Dennis Hopper) – “I’m smarter than you, Rueben. I’m smarter! I’m smarter!”
— Randle (played by Keanu Reeves) – “Yeah? Well, I’m taller.”
Davante Adams v PHI, $3,900 – Rather than checking, I’m just going to assume his middle name is “Quincy”
Andre Johnson at CLE, $4,900 – He’s probably in the background of that JJ Watt selfie, wondering what it would feel like to have a real quarterback throw him the ball for once.
Tight Ends
{Insert another way for me to complain about how terrible the tight end position is here, while working in the word “truth”.}
Travis Kelce v SEA, $4,000 – I’m doing it. After ten weeks of compiling data, I’m finally ready to believe all the numbers that say Seattle is actually bad at defending the tight end. Also, with Fasano being banged up, Kelce, finally, almost caught him in snap count last week. Now, if only he could only catch him in the “touchdowns caught after missing a block and falling to the ground where a pass intended for a wide receiver that likely would have been intercepted is deflected by a defender and lands on your lap” count.
Left in the Bucket
Jordan Reed v TB, $3,300 – Also, something North Carolina teachers would say to Michael, as he day dreamed about basketball, with his tongue hanging out.