The Fantasy Grout - Week 8
This just in, Overlay won, and, I have a tip for you: It will win again this week, too.
This serves as a clunky transition to a topic that I would like to discuss, tips. Not too long ago, Marriott announced their “The Envelope Please” campaign, where they leave envelopes in hotel rooms as a reminder to tip your “room attendant.” At first, I figured this was just a whole bunch of trees dying in vein, as the chain confused “I forget to tip” on a survey with “I don’t believe in tipping but am telling you ‘I forget’ to save face.”
Then, they cited a remarkable statistic, that 30% of hotel guests don’t tip their maids. I suspect my reaction was not the reaction they were seeking, as I couldn’t help but think, “Seven out of ten people are idiots.” Now, don’t get me wrong. If you want to give your money away in the name of charity, be my guest. Be a regular Jimmy Conway from Goodfellas, for all I care, tipping the bartender a $100 “just for keeping the ice cubes cold.” What I am saying is that tipping your “room attendant” is just that, charity, as it flies in the face of the social construct of the service industry.
Why do we tip, waiters and waitresses, for instance? Like all service based professions, a minimal level of service is required, and the expectation of a tip is to incentivize them to go above-and-beyond. Maybe your drink gets refilled a little quicker. Maybe you get an extra cherry on your sundae. Maybe he or she just sticks close, in case you need something. For all that, there is a little something extra.
With maids, if you are staying one night, you are literally tipping them to tidy up the room for the next guest, which makes your gratuity some form of an institutionalized pay-it-forward, Ponzi scheme. If you are staying multiple nights, at least the work is for you. What, though, is the required minimum and what is the above-and-beyond? The only “little extra” I can think of is to re-wire the room, so it actually has enough outlets by the bed for the lamp, the alarm clock, and the actual alarm clock you will be using, your phone. Absent that, you’re tipping for them to do everything listed on their job description. Clean the room.
Also, with all this hullabaloo about maids getting tips, we ignore that there are professions who don’t get tips, who probably deserve them. Namely, teachers. If you are going to give 20%, just to be sure your burger has extra pickles, what should you pay to have the fruit of your loins get extra special care? Once you have a child, your answer invariably becomes “Infinity Dollars.” What about driving instructors? Not yours, mind you, but the driving instructor for all your neighbors’ kids? Your piece of mind would appreciate the “little extra.” And, for heaven’s sakes, your wife’s coworkers. If they would just do a little more at their job, your life would be so much better!
With all tips, the theme is a generally “just a little more.” What about your fantasy prognosticators? The minimum expectation is offering some players to consider. Maybe they are expensive or maybe priced down in the Fantasy Grout, but they are just players. What extra tip can they give you, to justify your tip?
How about a little pointers on differentiating between DraftKings and FanDuel? Is that something you might be interested in? You know DraftKings has a flex while FanDuel has a kicker. You probably know that DraftKings offers a full point-per-reception, while FanDuel only offers the Lo Cal version, half PPR. Did you know that between the two, only DraftKings has milestone scoring or that Russell Wilson got both the passing and rushing bonus last week, the first time someone has ever achieved both in the same game? Maybe you did. How about the fact that DK will only ding you one point for a fumble lost while FD is twice as punitive, at two points to the negative? I’ve got one I bet you didn’t know: FanDuel, unlike DraftKings doesn’t credit your defense with a touchdown off a blocked field goal or punt, and it isn’t by choice. Like all things at the intersection of “terrible” and “FanDuel”, it is technologically based. If you’re wondering why your Seattle defense from two weeks ago against Dallas seemed to fall short of expectations, there’s a little tip on why!
Now, let’s tackle players with salaries that might be considered “the little things.” You’ll need them, to fit in all the Fantasy Rocks into your lineup, they the Fantasy Grout.
Quarterbacks
Tip is a fairly versatile word. There are the definitions tied to gratuity and also a hint or idea, as we mentioned above. Also, there’s the physical end of something, as in “that’s just the tip of the iceberg.” With quarterbacks this week, the 11 quarterbacks priced above $6,500 might be considered just that, while the 19 (Yes, 19) at-or-below our Grout threshold are enough to sink a quarterback Titanic. Next week, we might have to consider re-calibrating.
Carson Palmer v PHI, $6,500 – It is definitely ironic that the Eagles and Cardinals are both in the bottom third for most fantasy points per game given up through the air. I guess pass defense is for the birds. Wait. Isn’t for the birds? I don’t know. The Eagles are terrible against the quarterback. There.
I like two things about having Carson Palmer as my fantasy quarterback. One is that he’ll let it, uh, fly down the field with little-or-no concern for the consequences. If he does it twice, and one goes for a long touchdown and one for a pick-six, well, an interception is only -1. (Both sites!) The second is straight out of the Donavon McNabb school of padding your passing stats, when half your running backs’ production is technically receiving. America was built on taking credit for other people’s achievements; why should your DraftKings lineup be any different!
Left in the Bucket
Alex Smith v STL, $6,000 – Speaking of Andy Reid quarterbacks using running backs to pad their stats…
Running Backs
The rapper, T.I., actually went by the nickname Tip as a tyke. I think if my name were Clifford, I’d look to bring on a nickname as well! The transition from there is unusual, as the nickname his grandfather gave him became an acronym when he started rapping, abbreviating Ten Inch Playa. When he signed his first major record deal, to avoid ambiguity with rapper Q-Tip, he dropped the “P”, going by T.I. I don’t know if those letters still stand for Ten Inch, or something else now, but I do know this. At my wedding, my remix of his song “Whatever You Like,” re-titled “(I’ll ‘Honey Do’) Whatever You Like,” got rave reviews, and as part of my best man speech at my brother’s wedding, re-mixing “Live Your Life” to “Love Your Wife” was well received as well.
Ronnie Hillman v SD, $4,900 – Hillman had 103 total yards last week against a previously stout San Francisco run defense (370.8 ten inch segments, or ¬T.I.s if you will). Now he draws a much softer matchup, at home against San Diego. In the same vein as the shopping cart Peyton Manning could turn into an eight-touchdown tight end, you get the feeling that any running back not named for the item he carries could run for 12 touchdowns in that offense.
Jerick McKinnon at TB, $4,900 – Just by naming your child, you do a lot in their life. If you go with “John,” he will likely fade into the background, while “Herby” will never be plain. If you go “Zac” (Stacy) his first words might as well be “no ‘k’ or ‘h’,” and spelling “Brandin” (Cooks) with an “i” is imposing a rendition of Old McDonald on him for his entire life. On the other hand, if you name your kids “Boss” and “Champ” (Bailey), you are creating some lofty expectations. Lastly, if the name you put on the birth certificate is “Jerick,” you might as well soothe him, when he wakes up in the middle of the night, by saying “Now, how do you spell that again?”
Oh, also, Jerick McKinnon is now unquestioned starter in a Vikings offense that is very “starting running back centric.” Over the last two weeks, he touched the ball on 40 of the teams 123 offensive plays, and now versus a sieve-y Tampa run defense, he’ll go bananas, spelled B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
James Starks at NO, $3,000
Editor’s Note: Starks (ankle) was unable to practice Wednesday, and his status for Sunday is in question.
New Orleans is much better at home, and that plays to Starks’ favor. He was basically on the field for half the snaps in Weeks 5 and 6 before ceding much of the late game work to DuJuan Harris in a Week 7 blowout. More notable is the fact that it was Starks, not Eddie Lacy, on the field as the Packers marched down for a game winning score against Miami. Expect this road tilt with the Saints to be close and for Starks to play a larger role in it. With his minimum salary of $3,000, stepping on the field is essentially worth 2 PT/$K.
Left in the Bucket
Joique Bell at ATL, $4,800 – Even Tampa Bay’s run defense pinches its nose when it walks past the Atlanta run defense.
Darren McFadden at CLE, $4,700 – Surprisingly, McFadden is Top 5 in terms of running backs plays as a percentage of team plays. He’s the guy.
Travaris Cadet v GB, $3,000 – “Like ‘Travis,’ only with an ‘ar’ between the ‘v’ and the ‘i’.”
Wide Receivers
Golf.about.com defines The Tips as “a slang term for the back tees or championship tees on a golf course.” I am not sure of the origin of this term, but in lieu of that, I’ll just define golf from the tips in Mark Twain’s terms: “a good (long) walk spoiled.”
DeAndre Hopkins at TEN, $4,200 – or should I say Fore! –ty two hundred? If Hopkins isn’t the 1 in the Houston offense at this point, he’s the 1A, and now he draws a Tennessee pass defense that might as well have a bird mascot. Er. Nevermind. Start DeAndre Hopkins. That is, unless you like your Fantasy Wide Receivers to recover fumbles.
Julian Edelman v CHI, $4,600 – Bill Simmons has a spoken about players who should have a modifier permanently attached to their name, such as “Matthew Stafford, If He Can Stay Healthy”. Edelman, fittingly a Patriot, needs this treatment, changing from just “Julian Edelman” to “Julian Edelman In A PPR.” I cannot remember another player whose value hinged so dramatically on stand-alone credit just for making the catch, and fortunately, DraftKings offers just that credit.
And while we’re renaming things, can we call this week, “Week 8, when Brandon LaFell was more expensive than Julian Edelman”?
Michael Floyd v PHI, $4,900 – Do you remember when Giancarlo Stanton was Mike Stanton? Then, suddenly it changed. An even more drastic (and dubious) change was when Fausto Carmona suddenly became Roberto Hernandez. Then, there was Steve Smith, who added the “Sr” to his name, just as The Other Steve Smith became irrelevant. (Also, what an upset that Old Steve Smith’s fantasy career outlasted Young Steve Smith’s.)
Michael and Malcom Floyd need to come to an agreement, and someone needs to go by a different initial, before I screw up their names in this article again. Here’s what I propose: which ever Floyd has more DK fantasy points this week gets to stay “M. Floyd”, while the other must change to “O(ther). Floyd.” Nice knowing you, Malcom.
Left in the Bucket
Jarius Wright at TB, $3,500 – …although “Jarius Wright In A PPR” has a nice ring to it.
Eric Decker v BUF, $4,600 – Percy who?
Mike Evans v MIN, $4,500 – Like Vincent Jackson, only Grout-ier.
Tight Ends
I love the idea of sticking to a theme for an entire article. To quote Ira Glass from This American Life, “Each week, we choose a theme and bring you a variety of different stories on that theme.” Unfortunately, it feels like this gimmick has run its course. If I had to guess, I’d say the Mark Twain quote was the tipping point.
Zach Ertz at ARI, $3,200 – You tell me, what am I missing here? Two hundred above minimum price? The matchup is prime, as the Cardinals are now into their second straight year of epic ineptitude in covering tight ends. Ertz has been more than serviceable, as the 12th highest scoring tight end, DK points per game, yet he is the 25th highest priced tight end, with two teams on bye. If someone has a hot tip on what is going on here, I’m all ears. Seriously.
Left in the Bucket
Jordan Reed at DAL, $4,000 – He’s not injured this week, yet.