A Duck for All Seasons: Apr. 24th
Before we begin this foray into the written word, I’m sure there’s a question many of you are asking: why am I here? It’s a good question. A fair question. Rotogrinders has plenty of skilled DFS players writing for the site, some of the best in the game, and, me, I’m just a handsome face with a charming personality. Sure, I’ve had some success in the game, made a pretty penny in it and all that. But that’s not why I’m here. You see, the bigwigs at RG want to add some style, some panache, a little bit of that je ne sais quoi to the site. They wanted someone to mix pop culture and comedy to the site, and I’m sure as heck going to try. Somedays, I’ll talk about sports. Others, I’ll go on a different tangent. Either way, I hope you enjoy it. I welcome all comments, especially if they’re complimentary.
I think it was Mahatma Gandhi (or maybe it was Headchopper) who said, “Satisfaction lies in the effort, not in the attainment. Full effort is full victory.” To anyone who plays in Daily Fantasy Sports (DFS), we all know that this statement is full of B.S., and I apologize to Chop for even suggesting he said it. DFS is about winning, plain and simple.
We now live in a culture where competing is enough; every kid gets a medal, every child is told they are special. I once coached in a youth basketball league where the athletic director suggested that the two teams with the best sportsmanship play for the championship. This, of course, would mean that the two worst teams would play, barring a Ron Artest moment on the court. Thankfully, this game didn’t happen, but they also cancelled the championship, saying that it would be too much pressure for 13-15 year-old boys. If these kids were still being shielded from pressure, they’re going to be in for a rude awakening when college entrance exams begin.
This will never be a problem in DFS. Everyone who competes in DFS is a cold-blooded assassin, willing to take out anyone and everyone, by any means necessary – and I wouldn’t want it any other way. The great Chinese philosopher Lao-Tzu may have said, “How could man rejoice in victory and delight in the slaughter of men?”, but ask TommyG1979 how he feels when he wins a $535 qualifier. He’d probably call Lao-Tzu a pussy.
Sure, it’s great to be humble and quote Gandhi and Lao-Tzu, but wasn’t it the great philosopher Ric Flair who once said, “To be the man, you’ve gotta beat the man”? And wasn’t it the eloquent interlocutor Herman Edwards who stated, “You play to win the game”? To tell you the truth, I’d rather have these guys on my side.
And in the next DFS tournament, I can’t wait to kick your ass.
- Song of the Week – Every week, I’m going to try to have a song of the week, not something new, necessarily, just something I think more people should appreciate. This week, I chose a song from 2008, from a band in my neck of the woods, No Age. There’s a drawing of a penis in the middle of the video, but we can all be grownups.
- Tournament of Shame – I have an idea for a regular tournament, called Duckie’s Tournament of Shame. It would be a 10-to-20 player tournament, maybe $2, just like a normal tourney, but the difference is that each week the last place entry would have to do something for the site, such as see this movie, by yourself, and do a video review of it for this column. If there is interest, let me know.
- Randomness – This is still the greatest six minutes and thirty-eight seconds in film history. You’re not telling me otherwise.
- – I must end with some wonderful news (at least for me): one year after I qualified for FanDuel’s DFBC, my twin brother, KRubble44, bested 5162 other entries to make it to Vegas this August. Because I have special access to my brother (partially because I helped paint the nursery we were in), I got the first exclusive interview. Here it is.