Daily Fantasy, Daily Life: Volume XXVIII - Sad & Lonely
We are in it right now folks, the absolute nadir of the daily fantasy sports calendar.
With Major League Baseball on its All-Star Break, this is the only time of the year when one of the Big Four (yes, I’m looking at you NHL) sports aren’t on the daily schedule.
If you head over to DraftKings, here were your options for Tuesday: A couple of UCL soccer showdown slates, the All-Star game showdown slate (you are a degenerate, and I’m not using that word as a compliment in this case) (Also: I’m firing about $25 into it), some WNBA, and a 4 a.m. LOL slate.
I mean, slim pickens, you know?
Sure, there’s MMA and NASCAR and PGA lineup optimizer to build, and don’t think for one second I’m not putting together my normal allotment of CFL lineups, but without one of the Big Four out there it just feels … desolate.
Sad. Lonely.
So how to fill the days?
Well, gosh, I dunno. I, for one, am stuck. Right now, as I type this, my wife is taking our girls to the beach for a night. My son is at lacrosse camp. Which means it’s me, my laptop, and the two dogs. And that’s it.
I’ve already completed any work I needed to knock out for today, so I’m uh … well … sad. Lonely. Desolate.
Seriously: No family around and no lineups to build. Guess I’ll go draft another Underdog Best Ball team.
{Fifty minutes later …}
Wow. Another New York Giants stack. What could go wrong? Time for lunch …
{Twenty minutes later …}
Alright, I’m coming out with it here: Trader Joe’s paella is pretty damn tasty! Who knew? Maybe I’ll take a nap …
{Ten minutes later …}
Not really tired. I’ll rewatch Westworld.
{An hour later}
Okie doake … what to do, what to do … Wonder if the mail is here yet.
{no}
Guess I’ll check my email.
{Nigerian prince}
Maybe the dogs wanna …
ME: You guys wanna do something?
DOG 1: {staring blankly}
DOG 2: {pees}
ME: I’m going to go flush my head down the toilet.
If this were a 1980s-era ABC Afterschool Special, we would be treated to a Very Special Message right about now. It would go something like this …
Hi, I’m Rob Lowe, and what you just witnessed can happen to you if you’re not careful. A grown man, in the autumn of his years.
(HEY! Late summer of his years. Back to you, Rob)
Left alone without his family as an anchor and without DFS lineups to build. He wanders his home, adrift. His entire social life revolves around his family and whoever his wife makes plans with. He used to read for pleasure, but DFS has taken over his life.
And now, without a family to be annoyed at and without the hope of min-cashing the turbo MLB slate, he stands before you, defeated, cleaning up dog pee because he forgot to let them out earlier. Don’t let this happen to you – join a club. Volunteer at the soup kitchen. Read a freaking book.
Thanks, Rob! Now I feel even worse.
I think I’m going to go draft Daniel Jones 30 spots ahead of his ADP in an effort to feel something, anything.