Championship Weekend - Lists

Man, do people love lists. Here are my Top 5 Reasons People Love Lists:

5) You can agree on the content of the list and still argue about the order. We love arguing. #FirstTake #SecondTake #EmbraceDebate #NuhhuhYOUEmbraceDebate

4) Every once in a while, it’s nice to get a “Honey Do List,” that doesn’t have any “Honey Do’s” on it.

3) There is no nation more armed than us. We have more guns than people. Of course, we want our information led by bullet points.

2) We need Adderall just to stay focused enough to remember to take our Adderall. You think we’ve got the attention span to read full paragraphs?!

1) Lists are our very being. They are what make us go. What do they call it when you’re in a state of no motivation or energy? Listless.

Not only do we love lists, but the internet loves giving us those lists. Check out #4 if you don’t believe me! Buzzfeed has built an empire on lists. I have this theory about Buzzfeed, but there’s no way to prove it. Still, I believe the only reason they published that Trump Dossier, when no other news organization would, is that they saw it was one gigantic list, and they literally couldn’t help themselves. If that’s not the only reason they published it, it’s on the list of reasons at least. Probably below the hookers and the golden showers, but still. On the list.

That brings me to this week. Because it’s been awhile since our last Friday Night Live, I’m getting the craving to put together a power ranking, but as we’ve established, everyone does lists. They’re played. Soooooo played. Still…

Here’s my solution. I’m going to give you a power ranking, with mini power rankings inside the power rankings. A Russian nesting doll of lists! (Or, as we will all soon be calling it, a “Mother Russian” nesting doll.)

5) New England Patriots, $4,000 VS PIT

Sometimes, it’s the plays you don’t make. Neither A. Rodgers nor M. Ryan is turning the ball over much these days, and the over/under in that game is getting close to Medicare eligibility (65). If you’re just dying to be contrarian, rather than playing one of these two, just click in the Patriots with your left hand.

Oh, by the way, the Patriots led the league in points allowed and Ben Roethlisberger has thrown nine interceptions in his last six games.

TOP 4 POTATO PREPARATIONS:

4) Mashed – Why even go out to eat if you’re going to do all the work to get the potato out of its potato shell? You could have stayed home and cooked for yourself. When I have someone do the work for me, I have them to do all the work for me. (Same goes for fajitas, lobster, and those Grill-Your-Own-Steak places. No thanks. You can do it.)

Oh, and one other thing: Gravy. Volcano.

3) Breakfast Bake – What would I like for breakfast? All of it. In one pan.

2) Curly Fries – I don’t trust anyone who goes for the straight straw over the curly one, when both are available. Oh, you’re too serious for a curly straw? Then, how about you just sip your beverage like a man! If you’re going to use a toy to drink, use the fun toy.

Same deal with French Fries. Boing!

1) Chip – Plain = Delicious, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. We’re in the golden era of chips. You can get practically any flavor you want on a chip. I’m partial to Loaded Baked Potato, i.e. the Inception of potato preparation. Then, there’s its ancillary use as a tool to get dip to your mouth. I think there’s a power ranking of reasons Chip is #1 laying around here somewhere.

4) Eli Rogers, $3,400 AT NE

When you can’t say it better, it behooves you to let someone else say it. When they can’t say it better than someone else… Listen, as long as someone says it.

A punt with upside. I guess that makes Rogers a fake punt. Weird.

TOP 4 WAYS TO GO AT AN INTERSECTION

4) Left
3) Straight
2) Right
1) Into the gas station next to the intersection to buy Loaded Baked Potato chips.

3) Julian Edelman, $7,300 VS PIT

Running Back, Schmunning Back. I’m staking my claim with the receivers this week and figuring out the rest later. I said last week, when you chase double digit receptions and the 3-point yardage bonus, falling short is still pretty good. Now, imagine if Edelman were to accidentally score a touchdown!

He got his 13 targets last week, and I can’t think of a single reason he wouldn’t get them again this week. More Targets than the Minneapolis suburbs. Also, New England moves him all over the formation, inside and outside. He’ll see enough Artie Burns to satiate the matchup seekers, but even against Ross Cockrell or William Gay, no team schemes players open better than Josh McDaniel and the Patriots.

TOP 6 SEINFELD CATCHPHRASES

6) You are sooooo good lookin’ – God isn’t blessing every sneeze. That’s for sure.

5) Yada, Yada – Just don’t “Yada, Yada” over the best part:

“I spent some time on Rotogrinders before making my lineups for the Conference Championships, and yada, yada, yada, I’m paying taxes on $250,000.”

4) That’s a Shame – Played an NFC Defense, but had the nuts other than that? That’s a shame.

3) No Soup for You! – Not even potato. Mashed potatoes are just better.

2) Double Dip – For anyone who had Dion Lewis and the Patriots defense last weekend, you dip the way you want to dip, and I’ll dip the way I want to dip.

1) Hellllllooooooooooo! – Or, it can be Spanish. Hooooollllaaa! La La La!

2) Julio Jones, $8,200 VS GB

Over Brown and Bell, easily. Running backs overtook receivers as the go-to commodity this year, but with Le’Veon being $2K more expensive and with Brown’s matchup, take Julio’s comparable floor and higher ceiling.

Also, the only way the Packers secondary could be worse is if they signed that guy Julio torched for 300 yards earlier this year (Bene Benwikere). Oh? They signed him this week? Then it’s official. The Packers pass defense CANNOT get any worse.

TOP 6 MEAL/TEMPERATURE COMBINATIONS FOR EATING PIZZA

6) Breakfast/Warm
5) Lunch/Cold
4) Dinner/Cold
3) Lunch/Warm
2) Breakfast/Cold
1) Dinner/Warm

1) Aaron Rodgers, $8,100 AT ATL

My last recommendation of the season. I’m going out as a homer!

TOP 5 LISTS IN THIS COLUMN

5) TOP 6 MEAL/TEMPERATURE COMBINATIONS FOR EATING PIZZA
4) TOP 6 SEINFELD CATCHPHRASES
3) TOP 4 WAYS TO GO AT AN INTERSECTION
2) TOP 5 DFS PLAYS FOR CHAMPIONSHIP WEEKEND
1) TOP 5 REASONS PEOPLE LOVE LISTS

There are a lot of good ways to eat potatoes!

About the Author

  • Luke Louison (GiantBallofOil)

  • Luke “GiantBallofOil” Louison is a microstakes daily fantasy player and integral member of Team KillaB2482 (Ranked #2 in NFL, #13 Overall). You can follow Luke on Twitter @GiantBallofOil

    “You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I’d be standing here about to solve the world’s energy problems, I would’ve said you’re crazy… Now let’s push this giant ball of oil out the window.”

Comments

  • littlebrows

    Super entertaining read

  • Panthers8889

    Dude, cmon, if only you were as witty as your grandma has been telling you all these years. Scrolled through the faux wit and ended up here, might as post a comment

  • Panthers8889

    How could you fail to mention, “These pretzels are making me thirsty”?

  • GiantBallofOil

    @Panthers8889 said...

    How could you fail to mention, “These pretzels are making me thirsty”?

    It wasn’t ignored. I don’t find myself using it much in daily life, so maybe it’s more of a funny line than a true catchphrase? Also, what a testament to the power of the list, that you’re lowering yourself to a discussion with my faux wit?!

  • hde0703

    Dude, I suffered with you long enough to get to the potato list.

    I’m done, going somewhere else on Grinders to get some real info.

  • GiantBallofOil

    hde0703 – Please do. There is SO MUCH info on this site. Have at it.

    As to me, it’s by design that I give my players, but use jokes in place of supporting statistics, at times. Many people play only for entertainment. My articles mirror that. I did give you five “must play” guys last week (Dak, Dez, Edelman, Blount, & Cook), and four were optimal. It isn’t like there’s a problem with the info.

    My guess, if I’m slipping my detective hat on? People’s sense of humor about one particular subject is … touchy. And, if you can detach your political leanings for one second, the news of the past couple months has been objectively funny.

  • Jayrhodes2k14

    Is t. Gabriel gonna scorch that weak gb secondsry? I’m having a hard time playing Sanu over garbriel. My gut is telling me he has a HUGE game is anyone else getting that feeling also?

  • GiantBallofOil

    @Jayrhodes2k14 said...

    I’m having a hard time playing Sanu over garbriel.

    I like each one less because it’s hard to choose between them. That said, it’s a great matchup, and Ryan does spread it around a lot. Both will have opportunities. Sanu had the big game in their regular season tilt, but most of it was on one late drive. Gabriel is the big play guy.

    I’m leaning toward Sanu, for salary savings alone, but I don’t think Gabriel is wrong by any means.

  • NickyJ51

    Love the articles and I’m already looking forward to next season!

  • Aniesdad

    • 365

      RG Overall Ranking

      RG Overall Ranking
    • Ranked #80

      RG Tiered Ranking

      RG Tiered Ranking

    Is it to late to pick Dion Lewis again?

  • bipolrbear

    hellllloooooooooo laa laa laaaaaa is one of the greatest catchphrases in TV history. and i am not nearly the seinfeld obsessant that you are.

    best article of the year, right here.

  • lp3alaska

    i think meal/temperature should be number 1 on the lists of lists, funny shit. good job this year and good luck tomorrow

  • jolokia

    great, entertaining read. as for the bimbo who was expecting to get big time plays- it’s the last slate of the nfl season, 2 games…if you don’t know who you like then go away.

    also, i wonder if you played luke list in pga this weekend, and if you ever listened to the comedian joe list?

    RISE UP!

  • bigstanny21

    The glass ceiling of DFS articles has most definitely been shattered since I just got references to potato preparation, Seinfeld and golden showers, PLUS great lineup advice, all in one LOL…I appreciate the help, man, and thanks for adding some levity…even if some people can’t appreciate it for what it really is…then again, I lean more toward being considered a bleeding heart liberal, so what do I really know?? Hahahaha

  • Tammy409

    “Haters gonna hate: Lovers gonna “… I’m sure somewhere in this R. Kelly tune he advises pissing on the dude that bitched… Maybe he enjoyed the wit but didn’t know how to ask for his ‘Golden Shower’ outright .

  • APtreatment

    Edelman almost has more Targets than the Minneapolis Suburbs. He scored 25.9 points last week without a touchdown. Pair em up with Julio; last weeks Dez, and oh my lanta… you are a very credible source… thanks.

  • SyraCuseeee

    I just cant see Eli Rodgers getting many targets if anything I think it helps out Jesse James, Ben for whatever reason doesnt hit Rodgers with a ton of targets

  • dinoucla

    SERENITY NOW!

  • vdubs73

    • 2017 Single Entry Series Finalist

      Single Entry Series Finalist
  • shockeyville80

    Enjoyed the humor in your articles and Friday Night Live all season; hope to see you doing it again next season.

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