Championship Weekend - Lists
Man, do people love lists. Here are my Top 5 Reasons People Love Lists:
5) You can agree on the content of the list and still argue about the order. We love arguing. #FirstTake #SecondTake #EmbraceDebate #NuhhuhYOUEmbraceDebate
4) Every once in a while, it’s nice to get a “Honey Do List,” that doesn’t have any “Honey Do’s” on it.
3) There is no nation more armed than us. We have more guns than people. Of course, we want our information led by bullet points.
2) We need Adderall just to stay focused enough to remember to take our Adderall. You think we’ve got the attention span to read full paragraphs?!
1) Lists are our very being. They are what make us go. What do they call it when you’re in a state of no motivation or energy? Listless.
Not only do we love lists, but the internet loves giving us those lists. Check out #4 if you don’t believe me! Buzzfeed has built an empire on lists. I have this theory about Buzzfeed, but there’s no way to prove it. Still, I believe the only reason they published that Trump Dossier, when no other news organization would, is that they saw it was one gigantic list, and they literally couldn’t help themselves. If that’s not the only reason they published it, it’s on the list of reasons at least. Probably below the hookers and the golden showers, but still. On the list.
That brings me to this week. Because it’s been awhile since our last Friday Night Live, I’m getting the craving to put together a power ranking, but as we’ve established, everyone does lists. They’re played. Soooooo played. Still…
Here’s my solution. I’m going to give you a power ranking, with mini power rankings inside the power rankings. A Russian nesting doll of lists! (Or, as we will all soon be calling it, a “Mother Russian” nesting doll.)
5) New England Patriots, $4,000 VS PIT
Sometimes, it’s the plays you don’t make. Neither A. Rodgers nor M. Ryan is turning the ball over much these days, and the over/under in that game is getting close to Medicare eligibility (65). If you’re just dying to be contrarian, rather than playing one of these two, just click in the Patriots with your left hand.
Oh, by the way, the Patriots led the league in points allowed and Ben Roethlisberger has thrown nine interceptions in his last six games.
TOP 4 POTATO PREPARATIONS:
4) Mashed – Why even go out to eat if you’re going to do all the work to get the potato out of its potato shell? You could have stayed home and cooked for yourself. When I have someone do the work for me, I have them to do all the work for me. (Same goes for fajitas, lobster, and those Grill-Your-Own-Steak places. No thanks. You can do it.)
Oh, and one other thing: Gravy. Volcano.
3) Breakfast Bake – What would I like for breakfast? All of it. In one pan.
2) Curly Fries – I don’t trust anyone who goes for the straight straw over the curly one, when both are available. Oh, you’re too serious for a curly straw? Then, how about you just sip your beverage like a man! If you’re going to use a toy to drink, use the fun toy.
Same deal with French Fries. Boing!
1) Chip – Plain = Delicious, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. We’re in the golden era of chips. You can get practically any flavor you want on a chip. I’m partial to Loaded Baked Potato, i.e. the Inception of potato preparation. Then, there’s its ancillary use as a tool to get dip to your mouth. I think there’s a power ranking of reasons Chip is #1 laying around here somewhere.
4) Eli Rogers, $3,400 AT NE
When you can’t say it better, it behooves you to let someone else say it. When they can’t say it better than someone else… Listen, as long as someone says it.
A punt with upside. I guess that makes Rogers a fake punt. Weird.
TOP 4 WAYS TO GO AT AN INTERSECTION
4) Left
3) Straight
2) Right
1) Into the gas station next to the intersection to buy Loaded Baked Potato chips.
3) Julian Edelman, $7,300 VS PIT
Running Back, Schmunning Back. I’m staking my claim with the receivers this week and figuring out the rest later. I said last week, when you chase double digit receptions and the 3-point yardage bonus, falling short is still pretty good. Now, imagine if Edelman were to accidentally score a touchdown!
He got his 13 targets last week, and I can’t think of a single reason he wouldn’t get them again this week. More Targets than the Minneapolis suburbs. Also, New England moves him all over the formation, inside and outside. He’ll see enough Artie Burns to satiate the matchup seekers, but even against Ross Cockrell or William Gay, no team schemes players open better than Josh McDaniel and the Patriots.
TOP 6 SEINFELD CATCHPHRASES
6) You are sooooo good lookin’ – God isn’t blessing every sneeze. That’s for sure.
5) Yada, Yada – Just don’t “Yada, Yada” over the best part:
“I spent some time on Rotogrinders before making my lineups for the Conference Championships, and yada, yada, yada, I’m paying taxes on $250,000.”
4) That’s a Shame – Played an NFC Defense, but had the nuts other than that? That’s a shame.
3) No Soup for You! – Not even potato. Mashed potatoes are just better.
2) Double Dip – For anyone who had Dion Lewis and the Patriots defense last weekend, you dip the way you want to dip, and I’ll dip the way I want to dip.
1) Hellllllooooooooooo! – Or, it can be Spanish. Hooooollllaaa! La La La!
2) Julio Jones, $8,200 VS GB
Over Brown and Bell, easily. Running backs overtook receivers as the go-to commodity this year, but with Le’Veon being $2K more expensive and with Brown’s matchup, take Julio’s comparable floor and higher ceiling.
Also, the only way the Packers secondary could be worse is if they signed that guy Julio torched for 300 yards earlier this year (Bene Benwikere). Oh? They signed him this week? Then it’s official. The Packers pass defense CANNOT get any worse.
TOP 6 MEAL/TEMPERATURE COMBINATIONS FOR EATING PIZZA
6) Breakfast/Warm
5) Lunch/Cold
4) Dinner/Cold
3) Lunch/Warm
2) Breakfast/Cold
1) Dinner/Warm
1) Aaron Rodgers, $8,100 AT ATL
My last recommendation of the season. I’m going out as a homer!
TOP 5 LISTS IN THIS COLUMN
5) TOP 6 MEAL/TEMPERATURE COMBINATIONS FOR EATING PIZZA
4) TOP 6 SEINFELD CATCHPHRASES
3) TOP 4 WAYS TO GO AT AN INTERSECTION
2) TOP 5 DFS PLAYS FOR CHAMPIONSHIP WEEKEND
1) TOP 5 REASONS PEOPLE LOVE LISTS
There are a lot of good ways to eat potatoes!