The Fantasy Grout, Week 10 - The Seinfeld
Everybody’s doing something. We’ll do nothing.
That, of course, is how George Costanza described the show that Jerry Seinfeld and him presented to NBC in the fourth episode of season four, titled “The Pitch.” That has always been the tagline for Seinfeld, “The Show About Nothing,” but to me, Seinfeld was a show about everything. It didn’t narrow in on work life or relationship life. It was just about life. That’s why I struggle to include only one or two Seinfeld references in each article. Something is always applicable.
This week, things are going to be different, as I’m letting them fly like Kramer with expletives at the dentist. Then, hopefully you’ll take my advice, make like Wiz, and have nobody beat you. But first, prompted by Dean78904 on the GrindersLive Sweat Show, here are my top five Seinfeld episodes of all time. This simultaneously felt like a list I should have had memorized and a list impossible to make. Here is your World’s Greatest Seinfeld Top 5 Episode Ranking, which as you know, is even better than “#1”.
#5) The Marine Biologist – Episode 15, Season 5: “The sea was angry that day, my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.” Costanza’s final monologue is the perfect punctuation to a great episode. Jerry’s throwaway commentary about how his favorite T-Shirt “Golden Boy,” was slowly dying and is eventually replaced by his son “Baby Blue,” scratches me right where I itch. While Elaine’s storyline with the Russian writer is fairly flat, Jerry getting one up on Elaine by telling her Tolstoy almost named “War & Peace,” “War – What Is It Good For?” is good for a chuckle. Kramer’s beach-golf thread is the perfect accent from beginning (“I stink! I can’t play! The ball is just sitting there, Jerry, and I can’t hit it!’), to middle, with all scenes of him dealing with the sand, to end (“That a Titleist? A hole-in-one, eh?”).
#4) The Label Maker – Episode 12, Season 6: This episode is loaded with quotable lines, and as a bonus, it revolves around sports (Super Bowl tickets, anyway). Walter White plays dentist Tim Whatley, with a full head of hair, who Jerry thinks “re-gifted. He de-gifted. Now he’s using an upstairs invite as springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp.” In playing a never-ending, travel game of risk, Kramer correctly notes, “The Ukraine is weak. It’s feeble,” before the game comes to a crashing halt, literally. George is in full neurosis-mode when his girlfriend has a male roommate:
“Oh, that’s the worst part of it. He looks just like me.”
“He looks like you and he’s working from the inside?”
“I look like me and I’m working from the outside. Who do you think is in the better position?”
That is despite the fact that all George really likes about her is her velvet couch. The finish really brings this episode home. First, the game of musical Super Bowl seats ending with Jerry and Newman sitting together in the stands. Then, George, in a call back to an earlier episode, tries to get out of the relationship by suggesting “Ménage à Trois,” only to find out both her and the male roommate are into it!
#3) The Good Samaritan – Episode 20, Season 3: Another quotable episode. If you’re still saying “God Bless You,” when someone sneezes instead of “You are soooooo good lookin’,” I don’t know what to tell you other than that you are missing out!
The rarely used combo of Elaine and George steals the show. First it’s a “God Bless You” exchange, and that’s followed by a series of screw-ups, unearthing an affair. There will never be a better threat than “I’m gonna sew his ass to his face,” as an enraged husband said he was going to do to George, upon hearing his wife was cheating with him. Then, when Jerry found out about an Elaine tall-tale, his flourish of the name (“Eduardo! Carochio!”) is one of the few moments where he gets out of deadpan-mode, with excellent results.
Speaking of Jerry, the story line, with him chasing down a perpetrator in a hit-and-run, only to date her once he discovers she’s attractive, is great. Then, when he turns on her, as the woman who owns the damaged car is more sought-after, he gets the perfect comeuppance, losing both of them. Kramer, doing what he does best, adds just the right amount of laughs on the periphery, suffering seizures to Mary’s Harts voice. Just a great Seinfeld episode.
#2) The Strike – Episode 10, Season 9: Festivus steals the show here, and rightfully so. The aluminum pole. The feats of strength. The airing of grievances. (“I got a lot of problems with you people!”) To me, it’s the rest of the plots that make this an all-timer. George’s donation to the “Human Fund” is peak Costanza. (“The Human Fund – Money for People. It has a certain understated stupidity.”) Jerry’s “Two-Face” girlfriend is the weak link (“Bad lighting on the porch!”), but it is covered by Kramer’s H&H Bagel thread. It’s explained to us why Kramer hasn’t worked for the entire show (he was on strike). Also, we get the perfect line for when your complete no-show player is in the red zone one last time to hopefully salvage his day. (“Hey. No Bagel. No Bagel. No Bagel.”)
#1 The Voice – Episode 2, Season 9: Hell-llllloooooo! La La-La! Kramer is typically best accenting, but here he does the job, literally. Kramerica Industries, with its new intern Darren, delivers several of the best lines from the entire series:
“As far as I can tell, your entire enterprise seems like nothing more than solitary man in a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken.”
“And with Darren’s help, we’ll get that chicken!”
And, of course:
“You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I’d be standing here about to solve the world’s energy problems, I would’ve said you’re crazy… Now let’s push this giant ball of oil out the window.”
In what would be an A-Plot in other episodes, Jerry’s love affair with the voice that he imagines his girlfriend’s stomach makes is perfect, including a deep-in-thought montage. It is meta-joke in that it plays on an earlier season’s montage, and when Jerry invites his girlfriend over just to let her know he has chosen the voice over her, in the voice, it’s Seinfeld at it’s best. Because I’m such a sucker for Puddy, Elaine’s “backslide” story can do no wrong either. (“I’ve seen you two together. You make each other miserable. It’s kismet.”)
Normally, a great episode requires George to be a central piece, but here, he just can’t be fired by Play Now. He offers several one-liners though, which make up for his supporting role, including witnessing one of Jerry and Elaine’s backslide bets from the bathroom (“I think Play Now’s putting something in my food.”) and a “Well Played,” when Mr. Thomassoulo makes his bathroom available to all Play Now employees.
Ultimately, the Kramerica plot here is my favorite in all of Seinfeld, the voice is a top ten plot, and the rest just doesn’t screw it up. The only real disappointment I have is that after the oil tanker bladder system didn’t work, I never actually got ketchup and mustard in the same bottle.
QUARTERBACK
There were five quarterbacks over 30 points last week. Among them were two Grout priced signal callers: Marcus Mariota and Derek Carr. They also constituted the entirety of the quarterbacking contingent from last week who were over 5.5 PT/$K.
This week, of the 28 starting QBs, 20 of them are Grout priced ($6,000 or below), up from 15 last week. Quarterback is a pick ‘em again this week on DraftKings. Although, in DK’s defense, it’s only a pick if there’s nostril penetration.
GANG GROUT
BLAKE BORTLES, $5,600 AT BAL – So, among those 20 QBs, the highest scoring one just so happens to be facing the #31 defense at holding down quarterback scores. That “#31” is just the foam on the top of the Ravens’ red solo cup of defensive suck. Baltimore is tied for fourth-most passing touchdowns per game allowed, while being tied for the least interceptions per game. They have also allowed the third-highest yards per attempt and the third-highest passer rating. They’ve ceded at least 275 passing yards, at least two passing touchdowns, and at least 19.2 DraftKings points to every quarterback they’ve faced this year, that was drafted after 2001.
(Sidenote – Quarterbacks are old! Peyton was drafted in 1998 and Vick in 2001. Did you know Josh McCown was drafted in 2002? Carson Palmer in 2003? Philip Rivers in 2004?)
With Allen Robinson Allen Robinsoning, with Allen Hurns vowing to play despite a walking boot, with three different Jags tight ends catching a pass last week, and with TJ Yeldon averaging over 2.5 receptions per game, Bortles weapons are surprisingly sweet. And, speaking of sweet, if a foamy solo cup isn’t your thing, when Blake connects with Robinson, burning the Jimmy Smith on the play, you’ll have your own personal serving of Bortles & James.
LEFT IN THE BUCKET
JOE FLACCO, $5,500 VS JAC – In five of six games where Flacco has thrown it 35 times, he’s had at least 22 points. The exception is a justifiable 15.08 at Arizona. “Joe Cool” on the outside, “Crazy Joe” on the inside. Expect Flacco to kick the Jags defense in the side of the helmet. Metaphorically.
MATTHEW STAFFORD, $5,400 AT GB – One of those weird sentences you’d never thought you’d write: The Green Bay secondary is injured and underperforming to such a degree, they even made Peyton Manning look good.
RUNNING BACK
The top seven values at running back last week, and the only seven over 4.5 PT/$K, were all Grout-priced, and seven of the top ten, score-wise. Value at RB has paid off.
If both Matt Forte and Latavius Murray play this week, that would make 11 of 28 starting running backs priced out of our range, which is a pretty high number. (Dion Lewis would have made 12.) Don’t be fooled. There’s value in them thar cheap backs.
GANG GROUT
JAMES STARKS, $4,900 VS DET – Don’t take my word that Starks is a good play. Don’t take coach McCarthy’s either, when he says “…James is our #1 back right now, going into Detroit.” Instead, take it right from the former workhorse’s mouth: “(Starks has) definitely been the better player between the both of us.” The real surprise of that statement is that Fat Eddie didn’t end it with a “Hey, Hey, Hey.”
That there’s been a … stark … contrast between the two backs that has been apparent to the naked eye, but the numbers support it as well. In a supporting role, Starks has averaged 1.64 fantasy points per touch over the last three weeks, while Lacy is sporting a paltry 0.68. For comparison purposes, Todd Gurley has averaged 0.98 per touch since taking over as a starter for the Rams four games ago.
As to the Lions’ rush defense, over the last five weeks, they’ve allowed two rush TDs per game (four games). Only one other team has allowed more than one rush TD per game in that same span. If you’re looking for Starks to score, know the Lions pretty much consider anyone “sponge-worthy.”
DIGRESSION OF THE WEEK
You know, the Saints sure don’t use that CJ Spiller very much.
DARREN MCFADDEN, $4,900 AT TB – This much is clear. They don’t want Matt Cassel throwing it. Last week was the first in three where the Cowboys had more pass attempts than hand-offs, while in the previous two, the hand-off to pass attempt ratios were 26:25 and 40:27. McFadden, over those three weeks, has averaged over 29 rushes + targets, going for 27, 17, and 16 points respectively.
This matchup in Tampa is the softest he has seen in three weeks, and there’s no reason to believe he won’t get the same workload again. Joseph Randle suffered the double whammy of being cut and suspended, while Christine Michael seems to have worn out his welcome, to the tune of zero snaps last week. With that workload and a middle-of-the-road matchup, McFadden is a great play. If you have to close one eye and scrunch up your nose when you click the green “+”, so be it.
LEFT IN THE BUCKET
LAMAR MILLER, $5,400 AT PHI – To go with the carries, Miller’s catching the ball a lot more in the “Man” Campbell era. He’s managed to take “This” and add “That.”
JAMES WHITE, $3,000 & LEGARRETTE BLOUNT, $4,900 AT NYG – Tournament plays, in the truest sense of the term.
THEO RIDDICK, $3,300 AT GB –Utilizing the obvious strategy of “Let’s not figure out what we have in Abdullah,” Riddick is clearly entrenched as the passing down back, of which there will be plenty.
WIDE RECEIVER
The three top values, at wide receiver were below the $5,000 Grout threshold. They (Beasley, Watkins, Crabtree) were also the top three scores at the position who didn’t kick a punter in the chest last season (Brown). That said, the next 13 highest scoring wide receivers, after those four, were all too rich to be mentioned here. Pay down for wide receiver, at your own risk. But if you must…
GANG GROUT
KAMAR AIKEN, $4,500 VS JAC – As I was saying last week (the price I guessed was only a $100 off)… Aiken is the last man standing in Baltimore, and sometimes, that’s all you need. With Steve Smith out in Week 5, Aiken got a season-best nine targets, turning that into 4-for-80. Now, against a Jacksonville secondary that made Woods, Easley, and Hogan look like the second coming of Harrison, Wayne and Stokely, Aiken should have no trouble hitting value.
Now, if you’re here for me to breakdown which Jag corner is going cover Aiken in which situations, this is me yada yadaing over the best part.
BRANDON LAFELL, $4,100 AT NYG – Eight targets from Tom Brady against the team that recently gave up five WR scores in one game, for only $4,100? Where’s the catch? Probably in the end zone.
What? The Pats are imputed for 30 points again. It WILL probably happen in the end zone.
WILLIE SNEAD, $4,900 AT WAS – Speaking those five WR scores, two went to Snead, who followed up that monster with 6-for-95 last week. Despite starting the season fourth on the wide receiver depth chart, he only trails Cooks for the team lead in targets by nine, in receptions by four, and in touchdowns by one. He is actually leading Cooks in receiving yards for the year and is consistently out-snapping him now too. He does trail in DraftKings salary though, $6,000 to $4,900.
The team he faces Sunday, Washington, has recently turned over a new leaf of hemorrhaging rushing yards, but their first love was coverage breakdowns. Everyone knows you go back to your first love eventually!
LEFT IN THE BUCKET
TAVON AUSTIN, $4,800 VS CHI – He’ll probably score a defensive touchdown this week. I mean, he scores every other way you can. One quick defensive TD and he’ll have them all Gladed.
TERRANCE WILLIAMS, $3,800 AT TB – Just a hunch he gets deep for one.
DAVANTE ADAMS, $4,200 VS DET – Remember when he was the value play of the century, week 1? My how times have changed, and how they’ve stayed the same.
TIGHT END
Last week, only six tight ends had more than 15 points, and they were split evenly between the tiles and the Grout. The three cheap tight ends, Owen Daniels, Richard Rodgers, and Garrett Celek, COMBINED for 0.85% ownership in the Millionaire Maker. So, yeah, a down week for tight ends. You must select wisely, as not choosing at all isn’t an option.
GANG GROUT
RICHARD RODGERS, $3,000 VS DET – All your Packers! After last year, where no tight end was getting enough volume to matter IN Green Bay, Rodgers has been averaging near five and a half targets per game. In a “Get Right” game against the Lions, expect several of them in the red zone. Having allowed a tight end score in six of eight games, the Lions will happily oblige.
Also, like Elaine’s boyfriend, when he finds out she isn’t Hispanic, I was disappointed when I discovered the “o” I was putting at the end of Rodgers’ first name wasn’t real. And, like her boyfriend did upon making that discovery, I assume Rodgers will just go to The Gap (in coverage).
LEFT IN THE BUCKET
ERIC EBRON, $3,300 AT GB – No one knows what Jim Bob is thinking as far as “offensive tweaks,” but getting the ball to their number-ten overall pick, from two years back, has to be at least in consideration.
GROUT FOR A SHOUT
I’ve seen a lot of Susies in my life. No offense to my aunt Dawn, who strangely goes by Susie, but my favorite Susie is definitely the one Elaine plays in episode 15 of season 8, “The Susie.”
“I mean, ‘Susie’, ‘Suzanne’, ‘Suzanna’. Fine! But there is no, way, I’m gonna be a Suze.”
Beyond the obvious moral lesson regarding talking about someone behind their back – and right to their face, this episode teaches us that you don’t call a Susie “Suze”. (Also, when a woman enters a ball, she twirls.)
With that in mind, the winner of the Grout for a Shout, Week 9, was the only person to pick DeAngelo Williams, who finished his day with 41.5 points on a max RB Grout salary of $5,500. That was good for 7.545 PT/$K, highest among running backs and third highest among all positional players (Cole Beasley, Owen Daniels). That person was, don’t call her MicroSuze, MicroSusie. Believe it or not, this was MicroSusie’s first entry in the Grout for a Shout. Congrats Susie. Holla?