The Fantasy Grout, Week 5 - Life IS a Track Meet

by Luke Louison (GiantBallofOil) Last Updated 2016-10-10 01:01:45

Life ain’t a track meet. It’s a marathon. – Cube, Ice

No offense to one of the great thinkers of our time, but that’s dumb. Life is exactly like a track meet. Think about it. A meet is all one “thing,” but really it’s a whole bunch of people doing a whole bunch of different things simultaneously. There’s tons of time just standing around doing nothing, and a bunch of people, just watching others standing around doing nothing, call it something to do. It doesn’t end there.

Some events involve trying to do something completely unnecessary, just to do it. (Watch me hop, skip, and jump, as I send this meeting invitation with RSVP reply request to the person sitting in the cubicle next to me.)

Others involve setting goals so unsettlingly high that you need to get a prop to achieve them. (I need to get from New York to Los Angeles in four hours. One ticket please.)

There are instances where teamwork is involved, but just like real life, we’re still keeping individual splits to know who is the most responsible for the success.

Also, several of the events involve throwing random things. (“I tossed my hat in the ring to throw the party, but when I tried to pitch the tent, I was thrown a curve. You see having bent stakes threw a me for a loop, and then the sky began to throw-up on me to boot. So after I hurled insults at the world, I headed over to REI, which was just a stone’s throw away. I threw my weight around and tried to return it, figuring they’d throw me a bone, but they threw a monkey wrench in my plan when they asked for the receipt, which I had thrown out. I threw a fit, but they just threw shade right back. Eventually I just threw my hands up and threw in the towel.”)

Lastly, just as Ferris Bueller said, track meets move pretty fast. If you don’t look around once in a while, you could miss them.

Oh, and by saying “it’s a marathon,” what you’re actually implying, Mr. Cube, is that life sucks. That it really, really, really sucks. That’s just not true.

I finished my first marathon ever Sunday, and that is what I discovered. It’s not a running contest at all. Everyone there can run. It’s a pain contest. A that-always-hurts-but-it-hurts-more-now, that-has-never-hurt-what-the-heck, how-am-I-chaffing-there, is-that-numb-or-did-it-just-fall-off, I-did-not-even-know-that-was-a-place-on-my-body-and-it-hurts level pain.

And, if you run slow enough (at 4:24, I did), you miss kickoff.

So, today, I announce my retirement from running marathons. I had a good run, literally. I think it’s time I hang up the sneakers.

I have no plans to retire from life, at this time.

Previously On The Fantasy Grout

We mourned the unfortunate and unnecessary violence against a chair in the movie Rounders, we created a new sex move, and we recommended Kyle Rudolph, Terrelle Pryor, Kevin White, Isaiah Crowell, Jordan Howard, and Kirk Cousins, which worked out okay.

Losing to JMToWin in the Challenge? Less than okay.

The Fantasy Grout

Let’s get in there.

$6,500-or-less – Quarterback
$5,500-or-less – Running Back
$5,000-or-less – Wide Receiver
$4,000-or-less – Tight End

YADA, YADA

Martellus Bennett, $3,700 AT CLE – No one really knows what to expect when Brady drops under center for the first time this week. Does that mean it’s a James White week? Will Edelman re-emerge? Can Blount keep it up? Have they been saving Gronk for Brady? Clubber Lang’s prediction for the game is the only one you can really trust.

The position I’m most willing to utilize this week, as the Pats’ offensive caterpillar becomes a beautiful Italian-sunned butterfly, is tight end. After all, the NFL’s highest scoring tight end performance, twice in the first four weeks, has come against the Browns (Hehe. Browns. Like Brady’s butt cheeks.) Gronkowski is clearly not fully-operational yet. Bennett is coming off one of the seven tight end 100-yard games in the NFL this year, and a second of those seven was his in Week 2. As sure as you can be about a Patriot this week, I am that about Bennett.

Devante Parker, $5,000 AT TEN – The talent says “This price is way too low.” The inconsistent production says “A little pricy.” Me? I cop out and say “maybe in some GPP line-ups.”

Charles Johnson, $3,000 VS HOU – Just in case Stephon Diggs can’t go. Johnson was a thing in Minnesota before Diggs made being a thing cool. Also, in case you need yet another example of how we throw random things in life, the same as track meets, look no further than Chuck Johnson.

Marquise Goodwin, $3,000 AT LA

/Checks his yardage totals/
/Sees it’s been 12 and 6 yards respectively, the last two games/
/Recommends him with pride/

Maybe not pride per se, but if you’ve got to punt, you might as well punt. You can do a lot with a $3,000 wide receiver slotted in, and that $3,000 wide receiver needs to only catch get value. A catch, I expect him to get.

Isaiah Crowell, $4,800 VS NE – A little trick to feel better about putting Crowell in your lineup, if you’re not willing to check the stats to see that he’s got the third most rush yards per game and the sixth most rush scores per game. Just sort “RB” by “FPPG”.

“Look at that, the #7 running back. Don’t mind if I do.”

Jordan Howard, $5,200 AT IND – Would it be more disrespectful for Jordan Howard not to attend Jeremy Langford’s Fantasy Relevance’s Funeral or more disrespectful for him to attend? I can’t decide. All the work and effective with it too, last week.

Now the Colts and their per game averages of 157.5 yards and 1.5 touchdowns allowed to running backs stand in his way, though the term “stand” might be over-stating it.

Trevor Siemian & Paxton Lynch, $5,200 VS ATL – Yeah. We’re here. I don’t even know which player is starting, and I’m recommending him (though I prefer Siemian). It seems that system might be full-proof, at this point. At home, against the gold standard of QB matchups, and one of the few teams that might be able to push up the score a bit, it’s worth a shot.

Oh, and because it’s 2016, pair him with the Sanders instead of Thomas.

Editor’s Note: Trevor Siemien has been ruled OUT. Paxton Lynch will start at QB for the Broncos in Week 5.

TIGHT END

Zach Ertz, $3,500 AT DET – So, do you want me to pretend like this is any more than “Play tight ends against Detroit?” You do? Yeah, I guess. Appearances matter.

Here’s the timeline:

August 1st – Head Coach, Doug Pederson: “I fully expect to feature Zach Ertz in the red zone.”
August 8th – Offensive Coordinator, Frank Reich: “Tight end is a strength of this roster, this offensive unit. If you look at Doug’s system and what they did in Kansas City with their tight ends and how we’ll utilize them here, it’ll be very consistent with that.”
August 11th through September 1st – The preseason. Zach Ertz is second on the team in receptions and yards, at 11-for-75. One of the Eagles two red zone pass scores go to a tight end.
September 11th – In Ertz’s only regular season game, he’s second on the team in targets, receptions, and yards, going 6-for-58 on 7 targets.
September 19th – The Eagles have one pass touchdown. It’s a red zone score by a tight end.
Today – You roster Ertz
October 9th – You feel happiness for your decisions today.

WIDE RECEIVER

Quincy Enunwa, $4,600 AT PIT – How many more before I have to put Scott on my “Written by” line?

I’m not saying Enunwa over Marshall in raw points, and neither is Scott. From a value standpoint, give me the $2,500 savings. That is, unless there are Antonio Brown Groupons floating around somewhere.

Brice Butler, $3,500 VS CIN – George Michael, how do you feel about playing Brice Butler?

Well I guess it would be nice
If I could touch your body
(6’ 3” 213 lbs.)
I know not everybody
Has got a body like you
(Definitely not Cole Beasley)
But I’ve got to think twice
Before I give my heart away
(Read: $3,500 away)
And I know all the games you play
Because I play them too
(DFS is like NFL football, right?)
Oh but I need some time off from that emotion
Time to pick my heart up off the floor
(Your floor, which is pretty low)
And when that love comes down
Without devotion
Well it takes a strong man baby
But I’m showing you the door
(Door = Roster Slot, I guess?)
‘Cause I gotta have faith, faith, faith.

RUNNING BACK

Jerick McKinnon, $4,000 VS HOU – The McKinnon coming out pre-party has been raging for years, but they kicked off the official festivities on Monday, with him going 18-for-85 (4.7 YPC), adding in three grabs for ten yards on five targets. He also converted a TD inside the five, at which point the entire Vikings organization all looked at each other confused. Eventually someone muttered, “You mean we can get rushing TDs from someone other than Matt Asiata?

Now McKinnon is a near touchdown favorite at home, facing a team that’s given up the 10th most rushing yards and the 5th most running back scores, including back-to-back 95+ yard/2 TD games. Did I mention he’s the second cheapest starting back this week? I guess it’s a BYOB sort of party.

DeAndre Washington, $3,400 VS SD – Here’s the cheapest, and his defensive matchup is equally tasty. Like the field in a sprint final, let’s look the options side-by-side.

Let’s get this out of the way, now. Yes, Washington is getting this job because of Latavius Murray’s injury, but not really.

RAIDER RB A – 5 Carries for 30 Yards (6.0 YPC) / 3 Receptions for 16 Yards on 3 Targets
RAIDER RB B – 8 Carries for 19 Yards (2.4 YPC) / 2 Receptions for 5 Yards on 2 Targets

I’m not asking which one is the back you’d rather have. I’m asking which one you think is the starter? Hard to tell, right? What was holding Washington back (RAIDER RB A) was his snap count, 10 snaps (17%) to Murray’s 34 (57%). That changes Sunday, when Murray likely sits.

Here’s the problem. The situation isn’t binary. Jalen Richard is there as well, and he’s been more effective than Latavius Murray, too. Ultimately, we’ll need some strong indication from coaches or beat writers that Washington is going to be given the lion’s share or this play is hard to pull the trigger on, in cash.

In tournaments though, fire when ready!

QUARTERBACK

Rules are rules. The rules say $6,500-or-less. Like so many love stories, I can only gaze lovingly at Derek Carr ($6,800), Phil Rivers ($6,900), and Ben Roethlisberger ($7,200). Forbidden love. Then again, usually those people end up dying in those types of stories. Nevermind.

Eli Manning, $6,000 AT GB – One TD, Three INTs in the last three games? Sign me up.

For real. I’m in. First off, Kramer’s got the right idea about how to treat games on the road against Minnesota.

That leaves you with a guy averaging 35.7 attempts per game, with a 70.9% completion rate on them, good for 308.3 yards per game. That, and the opposing team’s top corner has one of those concussions where the effects linger like Beyond B.O. and is out for Week 5.

Basically, the Giants run game versus the Packers run prevention is your classic case of the “the unstoppable force meeting the immoveable object,” if by unstoppable you mean injured, slow, and strangely sexual force. They might try to run, like I might try to pole vault. Neither the Packers front-seven nor the Olympic record of 6.03 meters need to be very worried though. Ironically, the Giants will very quickly go to the air, while I’ll very quickly go to the ground.

By the way, Eli has had some success in Lambeau field. I’m not sure if you remember.

What? No. I’m not crying. You’re crying. It’s just really dry air in here. And I’ve got something in my eye. In my eyes. In both my eyes. Shut up! Leave me alone!

MY GROUT FOR A SHOUT

Back on the Eagles Tight End Train. Zach Ertz, Choo Choo!