The Fantasy Grout, Week 7 - Adele Is Creepy

by Luke Louison (GiantBallofOil) Last Updated 2016-12-01 23:04:18

Do you remember this song? Just classic Adele, right? No! If that’s “classic Adele,” we need to do some serious re-evaluation. Just imagine you’re the person on the other end of this phone call? For real.

Hello, it’s me
”Hey … Adele. Long time. What is … yeah … what’s going on?”
I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet
To go over everything
”’Go over everything?’ Really?”
They say that time’s supposed to heal ya
But I ain’t done much healing
”I don’t know what to tell you, Adele. It’s been 10 years….”

Hello, can you hear me
”Yeah? I just replied to you.”
I’m in California dreaming about who we used to be
When we were younger and free
I’ve forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet
”You should see someone about that. Someone else. California has lots of shrinks.”

There’s such a difference between us
And a million miles
”Well, we’re not together, so you know….”

Hello from the other side
I must have called a thousand times
”That was YOU calling and hanging up? My dog hates you.”
To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never seem to be home
”It’s the middle of the night. I’m asleep!”
Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I’ve tried
To tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart
”Maybe now you can say sorry for waking up me up.”
But it don’t matter it clearly doesn’t tear you apart anymore
”Yeah, it’s becoming clear I dodged a bullet.”

Hello, how are you?
/Sighs/ “Tired, Adele. Tired.”
It’s so typical of me to talk about myself I’m sorry
I hope that you’re well
Did you ever make it out of that town where nothing ever happened
”You know I did. That’s why we’re ‘a million miles’ apart. I moved.”

It’s no secret that the both of us
Are running out of time
”I know. I’m going to hang up. Goodnight, Adele.”

/Hangs up phone/
/Adele just keeps singing/

So hello from the other side
I must have called a thousand times
To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never seem to be home
Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I’ve tried
To tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart
But it don’t matter it clearly doesn’t tear you apart anymore

Ooooohh, anymore
Ooooohh, anymore
Ooooohh, anymore
Anymore

Hello from the other side
I must have called a thousand times
To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never seem to be home
Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I’ve tried
To tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart
But it don’t matter it clearly doesn’t tear you apart anymore

The moral of the story? Don’t be a creep.

The Fantasy Grout

Cornucopia of value this week. Let’s feast.

$6,500-or-less – Quarterback
$5,500-or-less – Running Back
$5,000-or-less – Wide Receiver
$4,000-or-less – Tight End

YADA, YADA

Vernon Davis, $2,900 AT DET – In case of Jordan Reed emergency, break glass. Then, break plain (6 weeks, 7 TE TDs allowed).

C.J. Fiedorowicz, $2,500 AT DEN – A growth investor wouldn’t invest here: The future prospects of Brock Osweiler dependence are bleak, the Denver defense makes for an uncertain market, and the competition is stiff, with Ryan Griffin earning one of every three snaps.

A value investor, on the other hand, would just see the price, which doesn’t reflect Sunday’s Grout for a Shout winning performance, and jump on the discounted asset.

Me? I see his last name and find myself drifting off into puns about “Smart Hats.”

This Week, I’m Oprahing $3K Wide Receivers:

Robby Anderson, $3,000 VS BAL – Anderson smashed the preseason. Destroyed it. Like, when he was done with the preseason, you had to go get the broom because the pieces were so small you couldn’t pick them up with your fingers. Four games, 23 targets, 13 receptions, 264 yards, three touchdowns.

I always wonder why that doesn’t translate more to the regular season. Anderson might as well be a blind English speaker, trying to learn sign language, as it hasn’t translated at all. He has logged 87%, 90%, and 100% of the Jets offensive snaps, in the three games E. Decker has missed, and he’s gone 7-for-46, total. Admittedly, with both the Seahawks and Cardinals in that stretch, the sledding was tough. This week though, against a Baltimore Ravens defense most susceptible to outside receivers, Anderson better learn the language and speak now, or forever hold his (preseason) peace/pieces.

Marquise Goodwin, $3,000 AT MIA – It’s not a coincidence that the short-hand for this team and their pass defense is “MIA”.

The good news for Byron Maxwell? With Goodwin’s 4.27 speed, it will be over quickly.

Adam Humphries, $3,000 AT SF

“In the Non-Mike Evans Category, the winner of the Player Most Likely to Benefit from Vincent Jackson Season-Ending Knee Injury Award is … It’s Adam Humphries! “

“Adam, don’t feel the need to rush your acceptance speech either. With all the plays the 49ers run, there will be plenty of (playing) time to accept the award.”

Chester Rogers, $3,000 AT TEN – Better than Dorsett, when Dorsett was healthy. Now, with him likely out, should you play Chester? Rogers that.

Ty Montgomery, $3,000 VS CHI – When you consider the speed the hype train is traveling at and the direction it’s headed in, you should expect to hit disappointment in Green Bay, WI at around 9 pm central on Thursday.

I’m not trying to be a Negative Nancy, but the Packers used a lot of receivers in “(player-popup)Davante Adams”:/players/davante-adams-18106’ injury-riddled Week 6. Beyond Jordy Nelson and Randall Cobb’s 75+% snap percentage and beyond Montgomery’s 50%, Jeff Janis played 46%, Davante Adams logged 44%, Trevor Davis was in on 17% and Jared Abbrederis got in 6% of snaps. Adams is questionable tonight.

Sure, Montgomery could get a carry or two. He certainly will run some routes from the backfield. Against a defense that has yet to accumulate 100 total receiving yards allowed to running backs this entire season, expectations need to be tempered. Of course, there is the flip side to this argument:

Choo Choo!

James White, $4,600 AT PIT – After this week, Tom Brady is going to be getting Adele-style calls in the middle of the night, from Dion Lewis.

“Do you love James as much as you love me? As much as you … loved me? We had something special, right? I wasn’t the only one that felt it, was I? Take me back, Tom! I love you.”

The Steelers have allowed the third most receptions to running backs in the NFL. Who could that benefit? White has out-snapped Blount 78-57 over the last two weeks with Brady back. Certainly, the revenge one-yard score is going to Blount. Where the rest of the production goes is black and J. White.

Giovani Bernard, $4,800 VS CLE – Home against Cleveland.
Andy Dalton, $6,000 VS CLE – Home against Cleveland.

What, you think I’m joking? That’s it. For real. That. Is. All. You. Need. Foreplay is overrated. Start cheap players at home against Cleveland.

Derek Carr, $6,300 AT JAC – I have this theory. It’s called the Little Brother Theory. When you have multiple brothers, and their ages are close enough that they get lumped into the same age brackets, the younger one is always the better athlete. Yes, this is a way to excuse my little brother being better than me at every sport, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

The idea is that the little brother is always playing up to his competition. He always has a carrot dangling in front of him. His skill level must rise to match his older brother’s natural advantage based on age. It always happens that way. So, when I watch bigger kids knock my older son down in soccer, I don’t sweat it. I know next year, if that happens again, they’re going to catch a Zuna from the younger fella, and like Boobie Miles, he’s going to smile as he does it.

I’ve digressed. The moral here? It’s not your fault David Carr. It’s not your fault.

I like Dalton and my pick below better than Derek Carr this week, though I’m not against Carr. Really, I just thought it was time I shared The Little Brother Theory with the world, and Derek Carr isn’t Grout-priced very often.

TIGHT END

Dennis Pitta, $4,000 AT NYJ

Joe Flacco threw nine passes from instead the 20-yard line last week. How many do you think he threw the Screech Powers to his Zack Morris? Four. Pitta has led the Ravens in receptions, each of the last two Steve Smithless weeks, and Smith was absent from practice again this week, still nursing a high-ankle sprain.

The Flacc Attack’s gig is against the Jets this week, who have ceded five receptions to a tight end in every week they didn’t face the Cardinals or C.J. Uzomah. Could we see a repeat of Pitta’s Week 2 performance, where he jammed out to the tune of 9 receptions for over 100 yards and led all tight ends on DraftKings? Did Casey Kasem make multiple Saved by the Bell appearances? Oh yeah.

WIDE RECEIVER

Marqise Lee, $3,200 VS OAK – For all the ups-and-downs in the Jacksonville passing offense, Lee has been remarkably consistent. Six-to-Seven targets, four-to-six receptions, 50ish yards. He’s not your guy if you’re looking for 10 PT/$K, but he’s also very unlikely to drop a donut on your head. Then again, how wonderful would it be for it to just rain donuts? Mmmmm. Donuts.

The number next to Oakland isn’t a Green “30.” It isn’t a Green “31.” It is a Green “32”. There are no Green “33s”. Earning that Green “32” wasn’t easy. They had to allow 100-yard games to six different receivers in six weeks, 6+ receptions to wide receivers five times, and over a receiver score per game. They had to put in work.

Also, I’ve gone over my wide receiver named Marq(u)ise quota for the week, so Marques Colston, MarQueis Gray, and Marquess Wilson, you’ll have to wait until next week.

Cameron Meredith, $4,700 AT GB – Jerry Seinfeld has a joke about airports not having a clue what the prices are everywhere else in the world. “$14. Tuna Sandwich. We think that’s fair.”

Whatever pricing issue airports have, DraftKings has one divided by that ailment, when it comes to Meredith. “56 points the last two weeks. We think that’s worth $4,700. Who is going to pay over $5,000 for 13.5 targets per week?”

“Me. If you have two of them, I’ll take them both. Three? Just give me all your CamMers.” Eventually someone with more Twitter followers than me is going to dub him the “CamMer,” and I’m going to gently weep. (I love you #Marvitron!) Just remember, you read it here first!

RUNNING BACK

Let’s just hit them all right here.

Given that Tampa Bay may be getting their world-class nose tackle back to fortify their defense, the decision seems easy. Pass on the Davis brothers, and run the double-barrel discount out there in Rodgers and Gillislee.

Anyone else have anything to add?

Money. As always.

Who can you afford if you play them both?

QUARTERBACK

Brian Hoyer, $5,900 AT GB – With Sam Shields now on the IR and with Damarious Randall and Quinten Rollins both ruled out, the Packers will be starting Kaleb Keener, Hunter Vang, and Jason Simmons at cornerback this week.

Well, actually, those are cornerbacks for the Green Bay Southwest High School football team, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s untrue. Who else are they going to play? The Bears should have a Field Day. Just don’t ask Stugotz what that is! If your cash line-up has Hoyer, Meredith, and Alshon Jeffery in it, you can have the winnings already spent by Sunday.

By the way, if putting Hoyer in your cash line-up makes you feel dirty, like you’re putting on someone else’s used shoe, I have a solution. Just do it. You’ll hate yourself, but misery loves company. And, #Bucks make great company.

MY GROUT FOR A SHOUT

Stop! CamMer Time!

When you pick a Grout player near the top of the Grout range, your results that week have a disproportionately high effect on the Grout season-long standings. This week, it’s time to drive in a high score!