The Fantasy Grout, Week 11 #SeinfeldBracket
It was Week 10, last year, when I rolled out my personal Seinfeld episode Top 5:
#5 – The Marine Biologist
#4 – The Label Maker
#3 – The Good Samaritan
#2 – The Strike
#1 – The Voice
Nearly one year to the day later, the seeding committee, Dean78904 (if you wanna get all technical on me) and I, created a 64-episode, single-elimination bracket to decide once and for all (until you go to jail and have the exact same debates again) which is the best Seinfeld episode. Just to show you how tough the seeding committee was, those five episodes listed above, my Top 5, received seeds of 1), 7), 16), 1), and 4). As Farfel the dog would say, “Ruff.”
For transparency, so no one would think Dean or I cheated in the contest, here was the methodology. I was more responsible for culling 169 episodes down to 64ish, while Dean handled the heavy lifting on seeding. (Yes, I offered him a drink afterward. I know what kind of a person I am!) We both did both, to some degree.
Also, we defaulted to the more complete episode, so if you remember “Hey! There’s an episode about an astronaut pen,” and can’t remember another thing about it, that might be the reason it didn’t make it. (Yes, The Pen – Season 3, Episode 3 didn’t make it. It’s the only episode without George and one of two without Kramer. Elaine and Jerry suffering through the heat wasn’t enough.)
Also, here is a breakdown of qualifiers by season:
SEASON 1 – 0
SEASON 2 – 3
SEASON 3 – 9
SEASON 4 – 5
SEASON 5 – 10
SEASON 6 – 9
SEASON 7 – 8
SEASON 8 – 8
SEASON 9 – 12
After the pilot, the show was picked up for the smallest episode batch in NBC history, four episodes. Then, Season 2 was only twelve. Early on, the show struggled to find its voice (which it found Season 9, Episode 2), and the seeding committee reflected that. You’ll also see a dip in Season 4, which was the most serialized season in the shows history, with Jerry and George jostling to get their pilot picked up by NBC. While that through-line created a great season, it made for fewer great standalone episodes. Then, by the time Season 9 rolled around, they were master of their domain, to the point where even the lesser episodes frolfed and scored!
Now, to placate the “Hey what about that episode?” crowd, here’s a few episodes that just missed the cut. If they had made it and got struck down by The Strike in Round 1, would that have made it any better?
The Seinfeld Chronicles – Season 1, Episode 1
The Finale – Season 9, Episodes 23 & 24
The Susie – Season 8, Episode 15
The Mom & Pop Store – Season 6, Episode 18
The Mango – Season 5, Episode 1
The English Patient – Season 8, Episode 17
The Bottle Deposit – Season 7, Episodes 21 & 22
With no further ado, I present the official #SeinfeldBracket! The voting will begin today (Friday) on Dean’s Twitter handle:.
(Note – If hold CONTROL and click the link you can have the voting and the breakdown open simultaneously. The This and the That, if you will.)
The Twix Regional
1) THE CONTEST – Season 4, Episode 11
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16) THE RACE – Season 6, Episode 10
Episodes with a contest in them!
In The Contest, Jerry, George, Kramer, and Elaine wager to see who can remain “Master of their Domain” the longest. Kramer lasts slightly longer than Jerry’s prediction. (“You? You’ll be out before the check comes.”) Jerry dating a virgin and Elaine meeting John F. Kennedy Jr. spell their demise, though The Finale does tip us off that George “cheated in the contest.”
In The Race Jerry finally gets to “date a Lois,” while Elaine “names names,” much to the displeasure of her communist boyfriend. Also, much like George in The Contest, Jerry cheats to win, and no one seems to notice.
8) THE CHICKEN ROASTER – Season 8, Episode 8
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9) THE ABSTINENCE – Season 8, Episode 9
How appropriate that Episodes 8 and 9 of Season 8 would find their way to the 8/9 matchup in our bracket!
In The Chicken Roaster, Jerry and Kramer swap apartments and mannerisms, as Jerry tries to protect Kenny Rogers Roasters, and its red light, from Kramer’s wrath. (“Bad chicken! Mess you up!”) Elaine buys a “rat hat” to replace the Sable one she expensed, and George uses a leave behind to get stuck in women’s heads (“Coooooo stanza!”)
In The Abstinence, it’s George and Elaine switching roles. George, thanks to mono, and Elaine, thanks to her soon-to-be doctor boyfriend’s studies, both stop having sex. George becomes a genius and Elaine … well … her garbage piles up. Jerry, meanwhile, can’t get a gig to stick, even at career day.
5) THE RYE – Season 7, Episode 11
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12) THE LIBRARY – Season 3, Episode 5
This is a contest between our biggest riser of the seeding meeting, The Rye and our biggest faller, The Library.
In The Rye, Jerry and George hatch a scheme to replace a loaf of bread in Susan’s parents’ house, committing geriatric theft in the process. (“Shut up, you old bag!”) Meanwhile, Kramer’s horse-drawn carriage business stinks, literally, thanks to some Beef-O-Reeno, and Elaine’s boyfriend’s saxophone career goes down when he does.
The Librarian is anchored by two one-off characters: Mr. Bookman, the library cop hell-bent on retrieving the library’s missing copy of Tropic of Cancer and Mr. Heyman, Jerry and George’s old gym teacher who “Can’t-Stand-Ya.” As a 13-seed, this episode has the potential to blow up the bracket, as if it were “atomic.” (wink, wink)
4) THE PUFFY SHIRT – Season 5, Episode 2
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13) THE RAINCOATS, I & II – Season 5, Episodes 18 & 19
Two Season 5 Talkers: the “low talker” versus the “close talker”.
In The Puffy Shirt, Jerry doesn’t “wanna be a pirate” on the Today Show but thanks to a low talker, he must. George’s run as a hand model is short lived, thanks to a hot clothes iron.
In The Raincoats, Jerry’s parents staying with him forces him get creative, making out with his girlfriend in the movie theater during Schindler’s List. Morty and Kramer’s clothing deal falls through after George sells his fathers’ clothes for $225 (“his high score in bowling”), but with them comes mothballs.
3) THE IMPLANT – Season 4, Episode 19
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14) THE REVENGE – Season 2, Episode 7
George at his neurotic best!
In The Implant, George ends up at a funeral in Detroit, trying to get a discount on airfare and double-dipping his way into a family fight. (“You dip how you want to dip, and I’ll dip how I want to dip.” crunch) Back in New York, Jerry and Elaine’s mystery is solved when his girlfriend declares “They’re real and they’re spectacular.”
In The Revenge, George quits his job impulsively and decides to just pretend like it never happened. When that doesn’t go well, Elaine and George slip his boss a Mickey. Meanwhile, Jerry and Kramer’s plot revenge on a dry cleaner; cement and a washing machine are involved. Also, Newman’s makes his first appearance (off screen), threatening to commit suicide, but with plans to go to movies later still intact.
6) THE SUBWAY – Season 3, Episode 13
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11) THE AIRPORT – Season 4, Episode 12
Transportation!
In The Subway, all four members of the gang have an interesting encounter on New York’s most famous mode of transportation. Jerry meets a nudist, George meets a woman (who ultimately ties him up and robs him), Kramer over hears a racing tip (“His father was a mudder. His mother was a mudder.”) and uses it, and Elaine just tries to get her present to a lesbian wedding.
In The Airport, Jerry and Elaine experience a flight differently thanks to different seating. (Attendant: “More of anything?” Jerry: “More of Everything!”) George fights with a convict over the last issue of a magazine while Kramer tries to get his $240 back.
7) THE PARKING GARAGE – Season 3, Episode 6
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10) THE COUCH – Season 6, Episode 5
These episodes really put the “P” in Parking Garage and Poppy.
The Parking Garage is the prototypical, self-contained Seinfeld episode. The single mundane act of finding the car comprises an entire episode, including two urination tickets, the first (self) diagnosis of “uromysitisis,” a lost air conditioner, a dead goldfish, and eventually car problems.
In The Couch, Kramer finally gets his “Bake Your Own Pie” pizza joint off the ground. Unfortunately, the pro-life/pro-choice debate not only stresses out his partner, Poppy, enough to have him pee on Jerry’s new sofa, but it costs Elaine a relationship as well. Meanwhile, George watches a movie with strangers just to avoid reading a book, for his book club (“So, anything to, nosh?”)
2) THE BOYFRIEND, I & II – Season 3, Episodes 17 & 18
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15) THE DEALERSHIP – Season 9, Episode 11
George, the latex salesman versus Puddy, the car salesman.
In The Boyfriend (originally called The New Friend), Elaine and Jerry jostle over Keith Hernandez’s affection, though him winning over Kramer and Newman, convincing them there was a “second spitter,” is his most impressive work. Oh, and George, trying to extend his unemployment benefits, just wants Kramer to “say Vandelay!” (“And you want to be my latex salesman.”)
In The Dealership, Jerry’s good deal on a car is dependent on Elaine and Puddy getting back together, which prompts him to ask “What do I have to do to put you two into this relationship today?” This is as Kramer is testing driving the car, going further to the left of the slash than anyone has ever gone. Just getting a Twix from a vending machine proves too much for George.
The Chunky Bar Regional
1) THE STRIKE – Season 9, Episode 10
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16) THE SERENITY NOW – Season 9, Episode 3
Frank Costanza’s leadership on display in this contest.
The Strike: Kramer on strike from H&H Bagels (“No bagel, no bagel, no bagel. Hey!”), George creating a fake charity (“The Human Fund – Money for people. It has a certain understated stupidity.”), and Jerry dating a two-face (“Ah! Bad lighting on the porch.”) would be a fine set of story lines for an episode. When combined with Frank Costanza’s holiday Festivus, this episode is basically its own “feat of strength.”
The Serenity Now is all about emotions. Jerry unleashes his rarely used anger, which unlocks other feelings as well. Frank Costanza, George, Kramer and Elaine all find their anger rising, whether it’s due to computer sales, issues on the “front porch” or shiksa appeal. Also, Anytown, USA!
8) THE POOL GUY – Season 7, Episode 8
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9) THE CADDY – Season 7, Episode 12
Season Seven, Elaine with a Susan and with a Sue Ellen.
In The Pool Guy, George’s “worlds are colliding” as Elaine and Susan become friends. Kramer’s life as a knockoff Moviefone guy is going okay (“Why don’t you just tell me the name of the movie you’d like to see?”) until the actual Moviefone guy and him collide at his doorstep. Newman precedes a near fatal cannon ball with “Olly Olly Oxen Free!”
In The Caddy, Elaine’s friend, Sue Ellen Mischke, the bra-less Oh Henry candy bar heiress, nearly loses a law suit to Kramer over a crash she caused, by wearing a bra as a top. If only Kramer’s caddy didn’t have her try the bra on. Meanwhile, bird poop leads to the Costanzas thinking they’ve lost George, and George being okay with that. (“They could use a break.”)
5) THE BUBBLE BOY – Season 4, Episode 7
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12) THE ALTERNATE SIDE – Season 3, Episode 11
Lots of yelling.
The Bubble Boy has both Jerry and George lose their cool on their way up to Susan’s father’s cabin. For Jerry, it was him trying to renege on a signed photo he gave to a diner. (“There’s nothing finer than being in your diner!”) For George and the Bubble Boy, the card did day “Moops.”
In The Alternate Side, it’s just the phrase “These pretzels are making me thirsty!” over and over. George (poorly) parking cars not only causes a bunch of yelling but also brain damage in Elaine’s 66-year-old boyfriend (after a stroke) and an amputation on Sid’s nephew’s foot (from ruining his business).
4) THE VOICE – Season 9, Episode 2
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13) THE CAFÉ – Season 3, Episode 7
The battle of the voices: Jerry’s impression of his girlfriend’s stomach versus Babu Bhatt’s, saying Jerry is a “bad man. A very, very bad man.”
The Voice is mainly about “a solitary man in a messy apartment, which may or may not contain a chicken,” but that’s business as usual at Kramerica Industries, where they attempt to solve the world’s energy problems by pushing a GIANTBALLOFOIL out the window. Also, it produced one of the greatest GIFs in DFS, as Jerry never bets against the backslide. “Heeeeeellllooooooooo! La La La!”
Before The Café, we knew of Jerry’s questionable character, but his intentions were pure in suggesting Babu change is café to authentic Pakistani cuisine. George’s intentions, on the other hand, passing an IQ test out the window to Elaine to complete for him, were less than noble.
3) THE CHINESE RESTAURANT – Season 2, Episode 11
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14) THE DOODLE – Season 6, Episode 20
Thanks to reservation issues and fumigation poisoning, no one gets to taste their food in this showdown.
The Chinese Restaurant, a “bottle episode” with no ties to the larger story line, is the episode where Seinfeld became SEINFELD for the first time (despite being one of two episodes without Kramer). “Cartwright” and his friends never do get to eat, but his claim “you know we’re living in a society” seems to be lost on him by later episodes.
The Doodle presents George with the opportunity to “drape himself in velvet” that he’d hoped for earlier in the season. Jerry gets fleas from Newman (“I know the chunky that left these Chunkys!”), Kramer can’t taste his Mackinaw peaches, and Elaine is forced to use Kramer’s interpretation of a manuscript in an interview. (“Billy Mumphrey was a simple country boy. You might say a cockeyed optimist.”)
6) THE SPONGE – Season 7, Episode 9
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11) THE CADILLAC I & II – Season 7, Episodes 14 & 15
Does Marisa Tomei find George sponge-worthy?
The Sponge is headlined by Elaine’s hoarding and re-evaluating every use of her preferred birth control, but what makes this episode sponge-worthy is Kramer refusing to wear an AIDS ribbon and getting beaten down by a couple “street toughs” in the process.
The Cadillac revolves around George trying to test the waters with Marisa Tomei, who likes “quirky, funny, bald men.” Unfortunately for George, she isn’t into men who are engaged, and Elaine botching the lie to cover it up only makes it worse. Meanwhile, no good deed goes unpunished, as Jerry buying his dad a Cadillac (and stealing a marble rye) gets Morty impeached from the condo board.
7) THE LITTLE KICKS – Season 8, Episode 4
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10) THE WIZARD – Season 9, Episode 15
Elaine’s kicks and Kramer’s lack of kicks get them in each in trouble.
The Little Kicks relies on visual humor more than most episodes. If you’re going to rely on visual humor, it might as well be a “full-body dry heave set to music.”
George as the bad boy and Jerry appreciating the art of bootlegging are just episode accents. That dancing though, “Sweet Fancy Moses!”
In The Wizard, a $200 tip calculator is the namesake of the episode, but Kramer getting his coffee table book about coffee tables optioned for a movie and retiring to Florida is the highlight. His run to condo board president, though, is stifled by a trip through the clubhouse without shoes. (“Kramer, these people work and wait their whole lives to move down here, sit in the heat, pretend it’s not hot, and enforce these rules.”) Elaine thinking she’s dating a black guy and George driving the Rosses to his non-existent place in the Hamptons just add 15-20% to the episode.
2) THE FUSILLI JERRY – Season 6, Episode 21
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15) THE DEAL – Season 2, Episode 9
Does the “That” include Jerry’s move?
In The Fusilli Jerry, there are a lot of “moving” parts. Puddy (his first episode!) is doing Jerry’s move, with a pinch, George can’t remember it without notes, and Kramer does Frank Costanza’s move on Estelle while driving. When your car has plates that say “ASSMAN,” would you expect anything less than Kramer putting moves on in it? As far as the odds of making another sitcom episode as good as this one? “It’s a million-to-one shot doc. A million-to-one.”
Friends with benefits before the term existed, The Deal is Jerry and Elaine trying to augment their friendship (“The This”) with sex (“The That”). After a birthday present gone wrong, this No Strings Attached arrangement ended where they all do, with “The This,” “The That,” and “The Other” (relationship).
The Jujyfruit Regional
1) THE SOUP NAZI – Season 7, Episode 6
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16) THE SLICER – Season 9, Episode 7
White coats. Food prep instruments. Elaine’s neighbors. There’s a similarity there somewhere.
The Soup Nazi has maybe the most iconic catchphrase, in a show filled with them, which is a shame for the pet name “Schmoopie.” If had been the only expression on a different episode, it might have stuck, instead of playing Pippen to the Jordan of “No Soup for You!” What will this episode yell after beating The Slicer in this round? “Next!”
The Slicer is highlighted by George getting the job with Play Now and the expression “Pimple Popper MD.” Elaine’s problems with animals continue, this time a cat in a neighbor’s apartment. The revelation that Mr. Kruger did throw George’s close in the water and that Jerry’s rash is from Kramer’s cleaning supplies makes the end of the episode, pop.
8) THE SWITCH – Season 6, Episode 11
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9) THE BETRAYAL – Season 9, Episode 8
Shocking revelations.
In The Switch, we learn Kramer’s first name (“From now on, I’m Cosmo!”), meet his mom, Babs, and get to witness George in action. (Jerry: “It’s a perfect plan. So inspired. So devious. Yet, so simple.” George: “This is what I do.”) George worrying about his date “refunding” just because he’s paying for dinner is just bonus.
The Betrayal, a.k.a. The Backwards Episode, also has a shocking revelation, as the final flashback is to Jerry meeting Kramer and telling him “We’re neighbors. What’s mine is yours.” That everyone knows the combination to Elaine’s vault (Peach Schnapps) is high comedy. Also, I think we’ve all been wondering where we could stuff our sorrys. (In a sack!)
5) THE OPPOSITE – Season 5, Episode 22
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12) THE BLOOD – Season 9, Episode 4
Do you think George’s desire to eat while having sex is the opposite of every instinct he’s ever had?
The Opposite is a teeter totter. Jerry’s the fulcrum (“Even Steven”), so when someone around him goes up (George), someone else must go down (Elaine). George’s reverse instincts lead him to a job with the Yankee’s and a date using the line “My name is George. I’m unemployed, and I live with my parent.” Elaine loses her boyfriend, her job at Pendant Publishing, and gets evicted. (“It’s true. I’m George. I’m George!”)
In The Blood, George’s desire to combine his two passions, food and sex, eventually leads him to try to add in TV for “The Trifecta,” which goes awry. (“I flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami.”) It’s only after Jerry gets “three pints of Kramer in him” that they become blood brothers, which allows for the Kramer and Newman sausage making montage you never knew you needed, but that you can now not live without.
4) THE BIZZARO JERRY – Season 8, Episode 3
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13) THE LITTLE JERRY – Season 8, Episode 11
Season 8 versions of Jerry!
The Bizzaro Jerry gives you the opposite of so many Seinfeld things. In addition to Kevin, Gene and Feldman, we get Reggie’s diner, fighting to pick up the check, good invention ideas, reading books, and asking before eating food out of the fridge. The irony of Jerry dating a woman so beautiful that her picture gets George into the “forbidden city,” yet he has to break up with her because of her man hands, is peak Seinfeld.
The Little Jerry about one thing. It’s not George living in fear of the “breakout pop-in.” It’s not Elaine dating a bald guy, only to be disappointed when he lets it grow out to reveal he is bald. It’s about this exchange:
JERRY: “Jerry Seinfeld – big or little – doesn’t go down for anyone, anywhere, at anytime! Now I’d appreciate it if you please leave.”
MARCELINO: “Big Yerry is making a big mistake, Yerry.”
3) THE STALL – Season 5, Episode 12
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14) THE BURNING – Season 9, Episode 16
Oh the secrets Jerry’s girlfriends keep!
The Stall provided us with not one, but two additions to our lexicon: “Can’t spare a square,” when the TP is low and “Mimbo,” a male bimbo. The latter has such appeal that a shallow woman, such as Elaine, and a man, such as George, can both be attracted to such a “cool guy.” If you cross him, you WILL be asked to “step off.” Oh, and Jerry’s girlfriend is secretly a sex line worker, and of course Kramer is a client.
The Burning is under-seeded. I’ll flatly admit that. Puddy’s Christian Rock radio presets being “resurrected,” Kramer getting typecast with gonorrhea, and George suspecting Jerry’s girlfriend has toe thumbs, are all solid. When the episode pulls a George and “goes out on a high note” by having Jerry’s girlfriend announce she got gonorrhea from riding a tractor (The Tractor Story), the seeding committee should have pulled the old switcheroo with its 14-seed and a higher one.
6) THE COMEBACK – Season 8, Episode 13
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11) THE FIRE – Season 5, Episode 20
It’s not the action, it’s the reaction.
In The Comeback, George gets zinged for eating too much shrimp. It’s only after the meeting has adjourned that the perfect reply comes to him. To get his opportunity to let Reilly know “the jerk store called,” he calls a meeting at Reilly’s new job in Akron, OH. Meanwhile, Big Yerry Seinfeld, who only two episodes early declares he never lays down for anyone, starts to take a dive on the tennis court, but it doesn’t take.
In The Fire, after getting heckled during a show where a magazine critic was present, Jerry lives out the comic’s dream! He goes to the heckler’s work and heckles her. That she would run out into the street in lose her pinky toe was unexpected, but fortunately Kramer was there to save it. George throwing women and children out of the way to escape a fire is, well, that’s Costanza.
7) THE LABEL MAKER – Season 6, Episode 12
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10) THE HOT TUB – Season 7, Episode 5
The biggest sporting events make the best episodes.
“I think he re-gifted. Then he de-gifted. Now he’s using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp.” – Jerry, describing Tim Whatley
In The Label Maker, yes, he did, Jerry. Yes, he did. Meanwhile George declares that if it was socially acceptable, he’d drape himself in velvet, something he’ll get the chance to do eight episodes later in The Doodle. Regarding his girlfriend’s male roommate, George notes “You know how they get animals to mate in captivity? They just put them in the same cage,” but after the roommate moves out, George realizes he“was shouldering half the load.”
By the way, if you say “the Ukraine is weak”:
In The Hot Tub, Elaine is playing host to New York City Marathon runner from Trinidad and Tobago, and as the Astro’s front office would (teach George to) say, “That bastard is fast. Look at that son of a bitch.” He’s in first place, despite a late wake-up thanks to Kramer’s hot tub blowing a fuse, when Kramer’s hot tea ends his chances.
2) THE YADA, YADA – Season 8, Episode 19
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15) THE DINNER PARTY – Season 5, Episode 13
You think Saddam Hussein is an anti-dentite?
You know the seeding is tough when The Yada, Yada, which spawned not just the titular catchphrase but also anti-detite, can’t get a 1-seed. (Kramer: “Next thing you know, you’re saying they should have their own schools.” Jerry: “They do have their own schools!”) The real question that comes from this episode is whether it’s acceptable to Yada, Yada the best part. (“No, I mentioned the bisque.”)
The Dinner Party, which should have been named The Puffy Coat, leans heavily on Jerry in a bakery. “There’s no such thing as an inferior babka,” and when solving race relations, “Look to the cookie, Elaine!” Yet, it’s Elaine’s line, “Yeah, you sold me this hair with a cake around it,” that wins the day. Also, RIP Jerry’s vomit-streak.
The Junior Mint Regional
1) THE MARINE BIOLOGIST – Season 5, Episode 14
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16) THE GOOD SAMARITAN – Season 3, Episode 20
Saving whales and chasing down criminals? Who are these good people?
In The Marine Biologist, all the attention will be paid to the whale that survives only because George found himself “face-to-face with the blowhole” and “pulled out the obstruction.” (“Talk about a hole in one!”) Can we acknowledge the less fortunate? Jerry’s favorite shirt “Golden Boy,” doesn’t make it, and he moves on to “Baby Blue” a little too quick for my tastes!
The Good Samaritan is criminally underrated. Like, hit ‘n’ run level criminal, and unlike Jerry, I’m turning in the crime. George’s “God Bless You” game is one point. Elaine’s ability to cover for George? Not so much. What would it look like if someone had their “ass sewn to their face?”
8) THE FROGGER – Season 9, Episode 18
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9) THE BUTTER SHAVE – Season, 9, Episode 1
The Season 9 adventures of Jerry and George: Growing mustaches and checking out their old pizza spot.
The Frogger is built for the sight gag with George pushing the machine across the street. When Elaine’s punishment for eating a $29,000 cake from the early 1900s is simply the effects that eating a cake from the early 1900s has on your body, it’s good for a chuckle as well. Also, if you’re not calling an outlet “the holes,” you are just going to lose.
If you catch The Butter Shave in syndication, you’ve already missed it. Sure, you can catch a couple scenes of Vegetable Lasagna, in all his glory. You’ll catch Jerry tank, just to not give Bania a cushy lead in. You’ll even catch George in a “high speed” chase. What you won’t catch? Jerry and George taking a vacation from themselves:
5) THE BEARD – Season 6, Episode 16
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12) THE JIMMY – Season 6, Episode 19
Jerry and George sweat it, whether from Kung Pao chicken of the polygraph test.
The Beard really is an underdog story, about a woman who tries to bring a guy over to her team, without sufficient access to the equipment. Meanwhile George has a bout with existentialism; with his toupee, is he bad or was he bald? Jerry takes advice from George (“It’s not a lie, if you believe it.”), takes on the polygraph, and takes one on the chin.
In The Jimmy, we hearken back to a time when nicknames were so much better. “The Velvet Fog, Mel Torme” hosts a dinner for the mentally challenged, and Kramer spends the entire episode unintentionally doing his best impression. Tim Whatley’s dentist office, with smut magazines in the waiting room and hygienist switching, seems to be more than meets the eye, and all the humor of the episode comes from the way The Jimmy’s third-person speaking pattern meets the ear.
4) THE RED DOT – Season 3, Episode 12
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13) THE LIP READER – Season 5, Episode 6
George and Kramer. Both not great at their new jobs.
In the old days, how did they get the Hennigans, (“The No Smell, No Tell, Scotch.”) from town to town? On a wagon! We learn that in The Red Dot, but that’s not the crucial part of information we get from the episode. We learn the answer to the question, if you have sex with the cleaning lady on the desk in your office, is that wrong? Is that sort of thing frowned upon?
In The Lip Reader, we learn something else. Don’t try to give George the “It’s not you, it’s me” routine. If it’s anyone, it’s him. He enlists Jerry’s deaf girlfriend to show off her lip reading, (“It’s a skill, like juggling.”) while Kramer’s signing is, … well … better than his ball boy skills.
3) THE SUMMER OF GEORGE – Season 8, Episode 22
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14) THE NON-FAT YOGURT – Season 5, Episode 7
Arms! Elaine’s co-worker doesn’t swing hers while George fakes spasms from his.
The Summer of George would have sufficed as a series finale, if a Season 9 hadn’t been ordered. Jerry dates a woman living such an active life it takes a team to make it work. Meanwhile George’s “summer” is so lazy, he can’t even be asked to “read a book from beginning to end, in that order.” Kramer “wins” a Tony that Raquel Welch actually won, and Elaine “wins” the right to have a catfight with her.
For a comic that never works blue, The Non-Fat Yogurt sure found humor in having Jerry cuss in front of a kid. When the “non-fat” yogurt is found to contain fat, Kramer loses his investment, Lloyd Braun’s candidate loses the mayoral election, and as always seems to happen, Giuliani wins.
6) THE HAMPTONS – Season 5, Episode 21
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11) THE DOLL – Season 7, Episode 17
In one, the men take their pants off and in the other a woman takes her top off. Racy!
The Hamptons dares to call a baby ugly. Or a breathtaking, depending on who you ask. At varying points, George and his girlfriend find themselves exposed (him walked in on, her sunbathing), but George was in the pool, so you know, cut him some slack.
In The Doll, all of America learns the names to two of the three tenors, (and we’re three for three if the last tenor’s name is actually “The Other Guy”). We also learn how The Maestro keeps the crease in his pants so sharp, and Frank Costanza puts the punctuation on one of the best “I told yas” in TV History.
7) THE JUNIOR MINT – Season 4, Episode 20
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10) THE DOORMAN – Season 6, Episode 18
Just can’t come up a name for it: Jerry’s girlfriend in one; the man bra in the other.
In The Junior Mint, George has his second whiff trying to buy art as an investment, essentially investing in a guy’s death. Elaine is ready to take the skinny version of this ex back, until he starts heartily eating. I guess she won’t invest in his life. Also, Mulva.
The Doorman, a.k.a. The Couch II, Poppy Strikes Back, has Jerry basically get outwitted by a doorman, and it ends up costing him (George) a couch. So as to not bury the lead any further, are you a “Bro” guy or a “Manssiere” guy? It matters.
2) THE MERV GRIFFIN SHOW – Season 9, Episode 6
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15) THE PARKING SPACE – Season 3, Episode 22
If George had swerved into the spot like did to avoid the pigeons, The Parking Space wouldn’t exist.
In The Merv Griffin Show, animals rule, from pigeons violating the agreement we have with them (“They get out of the way of our cars, we look the other way on the statue defecation.”) all the way until the Scandals and Animals format takes over. Drugging Jerry’s girlfriend and dealing with a sidler are fine as well, but Kramer shines this episode right up to a 2-seed.
The Parking Space dares to ask the tough question, can you pull into a space head first? You could go to a garage, but as George describe is, “A garage… I can’t even pull in there. It’s like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free?” And, Mike accuses Jerry of being a phony, for real.
The Fantasy Grout
Previously On The Fantasy Grout
It was a weak week for Grout level players, especially at wide receiver. In fact, no $5,000-or-less wide out even had 21 points. Here’s how the picks here did.
Yada, Yada
Lance Kendricks – $3,000 – 1.0 – 0.333 PT/$K
Albert Wilson – $3,300 – 6.5 – 1.970 PT/$K
Adam Humphries – $3,700 – 9.8 – 2.649 PT/$K
Rob Kelley – $3,600 – 10.5 – 2.917 PT/$K
C.J. Prosise – $3,900 – 22.3 – 5.718 PT/$K
Eli Manning – $5,900 – 20.0 – 3.390 PT/$K
—- TOTAL —- $23,400 – 70.1 – 2.996 PT/$K
Gang Grout
Zach Miller – $3,600 – 7.2 – 2.000 PT/$K
J.J. Nelson – $4,200 – 3.9 – 0.929 PT/$K
Dontrelle Inman – $3,400 – 9.3 – 2.735 PT/$K
Darren Sproles – $4,300 – 15.6 – 3.628 PT/$K
Chris Ivory – $3,400 – 6.1 – 1.794 PT/$K
Carson Palmer – $6,500 – 20.64 – 3.175 PT/$K
—- TOTAL —- $25,400 – 62.74 – 2.470 PT/$K
I will say that the leak here was J.J. Nelson, and I did try to temper expectations on his playing time. Still, I liked him and I played him. By playing him …
The Fantasy Grout
With this being #SeinfeldBracket week and all, we’re going to skip the positional previews for a week. Now let’s get to the low priced players that hold your lineup together!
$6,500-or-less – Quarterback
$5,500-or-less – Running Back
$5,000-or-less – Wide Receiver
$4,000-or-less – Tight End
TIGHT END
YADA, YADA
Lance Kendricks, $3,000 VS MIA – I know. I know. With a first time starting quarterback under center and coming off a one-catch, zero-yard dud, I’m probably not playing him either. I just wanted to note that his one reception was a rub route at the goal line, designed for him. He’s a pretty good bet to score this week.
Martellus Bennett, $3,700 AT SF – Rob Gronkowski missed the first two games of the season, but he really missed the first four. It wasn’t until Brady came back that he really tasted the fruits and let the juices drip down his chin. In those first four, without Gronk and without Brady, Bennett had a pair of five catch, 100-yard games.
It is true that in this offense, you never know when you’re going to get Blounted. With how big of an offensive pie it represents though, you’ll be okay if Legarrette has one or two pieces. If Gronk misses this game, I like Bennett’s chances to catch a few balls up the seam and to fill the Gronk red zone role.
GANG GROUT
Zach Miller, $3,800 AT NYG – Despite nearly all of Miller’s production coming in garbage time, I still trust him more than Bennett this week. He’s been “There for Cutler” in the past. Now, with Cutler facing criticism for losing the locker room, you remove the “for Cutler” and Miller’s just there.
Not for nothing, Miller leads the team in receptions and yards in the two weeks since Cutler has been back and now second place in both of those categories (A. Jeffery) is on a little four week mandatory vacation.
WIDE RECEIVER
YADA, YADA
Albert Wilson, $3,400 VS TB – What, in the Chiefs recent past, makes you think they show consistency from last week to this one? I know Fetch Hill got the volume last week. With J. Maclin likely out again, I prefer the cheaper guy, who was second in targets last week, after leading the team in Week 9.
Cameron Meredith, $4,100 AT NYG – Zach Miller can’t get 100% of the volume. The problem is the last time I trusted Meredith, it went as well as Elaine trying to order a mulligatawny from the Soup Nazi.
GANG GROUT
Sterling Shepard, $4,700 VS NYG – Is it possible there’s a guy in New York who is more “Even Steven” than Jerry? Targets going back in time from last week: 7, 6, 7, 8, 7, 7, 7, 8, 4. At least you know what you’re getting, volume-wise.
The problem is that he has not exceeded 50 yards, with those target totals, in six games, so scoring has been his only path to value….
MATCHUP VERSUS THE BEARS (enters via classic Kramer door slide):
The Bears are mailing the season in, so if we can presume that Newman isn’t the mail man, the Giants offense should be the recipient of huge package of meh defensive effort. I could see Shepard breaking one. I could see him scoring more than once. Elite Eli likely shows up too, as the game is at home. All of a sudden, value doesn’t seem so hard to come by.
Devante Parker, $4,100 AT LA – I have shied away from Parker this year, despite loving his skill-set. The obvious reason is that Miami has morphed into a run team and have run off four straight wins.
While that is still the case, what has changed is Jarvis Landry’s hammerlock on the Dolphin target share. With an effective run game comes effective play-action, which has given Tannehill the time and the open targets to go down field. Kenny Stills has benefited, as has Parker, who led the team in targets and yards last week.
Shepard and Parker form a bit of a ying-yang, as Shepard has the lower ceiling but has been more consistent, while Parker has a wider range of outcomes, with the best being much higher than Shepard.
RUNNING BACK
YADA, YADA
Jeremy Hill, $4,400 VS BUF – He’s averaging a 3-point yardage bonus this year at home (103 yards) and has scored in three straight games. Now, he’s at home against a team that’s allowed the sixth most rush touchdowns this year to running backs. It works, like George dating a woman who looks like Jerry. Also, now that he’s healed from that chest injury, he’s wrangled the lead half of the timeshare back from Gio Bernard, out-touching him 15-10 and 21-12 the last two weeks, as you see.
Doug Martin, $5,400 AT KC – If you want to worrie about Martin’s effectiveness last week, that’s fair. 2.1 Yards per Carry is no great shakes. Maybe, he was still getting up to speed after the injury. Maybe the injuries to the offensive line are to blame. Who knows.
What you can’t be worried about is the usage. Through three quarters, where the game was still within 17 points, there were 21 running back opportunities, including targets and plays with penalties. Martin touched the ball on 16 of them (Barber – 2 & James – 3). This is not surprising given the workhorse workload the Bucs gave Jacquizz Rodgers in Martin’s absence. Workhorses aren’t availabe in Grout land very often, so get Grout while the Groutin’ is good.
Just as a note, Kansas City’s middling DvP metrics are thanks to being stingy around the goal line, only allowing three RB rush scores this year. They’re allowing the sixth most rush yards per game and third most yards per carry. No need to shy away.
GANG GROUT
Isaiah Crowell, $3,900 VS PIT – Basically, the Rob Kelley argument from last week. A lead back, cheap. Crowell, surprisingly, has even mixed in some work in the receiving game the last four weeks. (Targets/Receptions: Week 10 – 5/3, Week 9 – 4/4, Week 8 – 2/2, Week 7 – 4/3)
For those that see a game against Pittsburgh and get scared off, stick around. With the Steelers playing a road game, in division, I’ll take the 8 points happily.
C.J. Prosise, $4,200 VS PHI – Seattle is now the fifth heaviest passing team, according to some fancy metric @MikeClayNFL uses. Let me introduce you to Seattle’s “passing downs back.” As a rookie, he’s also the new guy, so when you introduce yourself, feel free to drop a “Hello, New Man!”
Last week, it was the uncertainty with Christine Michael that kept Prosise’s ownership to 4.28% in the Main Event. Might Thomas Rawls being active have the same effect? Hopefully so. Should you be concerned about Rawls? Does Newman like broccoli?
Prosise, a former wide receiver, was split out multiple times against New England, so don’t be surprised if you see the snap percentages of Prosise and Rawls total over 100%. In the last couple years, Seattle split Marshawn Lynch out to catch passes in much the same way, and a lot in the red zone. I expect more of the same this week.
(FYI – Making through this entire blurb without making a Prosisely joke is my greatest accomplishment this week.)
QUARTERBACK
YADA, YADA
Russell Wilson, $6,100 VS PHI – Second Half Russell is coming! It’s only a matter of time before he costs you a big chunk of your allowance. For now, against an Eagles secondary that has sprung some leaks lately, he should have a big day at a little ownership.
GANG GROUT
Blake Bortles, $5,400 AT DET – idc. idc. idc.
I am starting an #AllMinutesMatter campaign, to help eradicate this plague of people downplaying garbage time. It counts. If someone scores consistently in it, it’s a skill. One that Jay Cutler and the Browns don’t have. My campaign will go nicely with my previous DFS social movement, #PointsArePoints.
Bortles has had at least 250 yards and multiple touchdowns in three straight games, and this week, he has the third highest passer rating. What do I mean, his passer rating this week?
DraftKings has finally figured out their top-end running back pricing, and it has given the salary cap some real bite. If you can get relief at quarterback with a player who you know will get the volume, it’s nearly a no brainer. Like, Not-Having-Sex-Elaine could figure it out.
Bortles in Cash. idc. idc. idc.
MY GROUT FOR A SHOUT
While I think C.J. Prosise is the most bust-proof, I’m not here just to not bust. I’m here to Shout myself out. In that vein. It’s Miller Time. Zach Miller Time.
Remember to drop your favorite Grout level player in the chat below. Here’s the pricing parameters, one more time.
$6,500-or-less – Quarterback
$5,500-or-less – Running Back
$5,000-or-less – Wide Receiver
$4,000-or-less – Tight End